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Tardio's Filler Column until the BATG Reunion
7/15/05
by Tardio

Admittedly, I missed BATG Reunion Special last night. Thus, I will not be reviewing the BATG Reunion Special today. (That, my friends, is the kind of deductive reasoning that $100k of law school will get you.) However, I am going to say a couple funny things below. Let me re-phrase that – I am going to say a few things that I think are funny, with the express caveat that I could care less whether you think they are funny.

I'm reading the newspaper this morning, trying to catch up on world news and make myself conversant in something beyond SEC football, PlayStation, and booze, and I come across a quote from our Chief Justice William Rehnquist. It seems Rehnquist is having some health problems, and there have been rumors circulating about his retirement. (My expert medical opinion, which I base on watching the first two seasons of ER, is that his health problems are a direct result of him being born sometime during the Civil War.) Well, a reporter asks him whether he's going to retire, and the Chief Justice responds, "That's for me to know and you to find out."

Let's examine this quote. First, this is the chief judicial officer in the most important country in the world, a man whose decisions guide this country on its most divisive and difficult issues. That is a saying that should be retired in 3rd grade. In fact, I would venture to say that if Rehnquist said this to his 11-year-old great-great-great-great granddaughter, she would say "Great-Great-Great-Great Grandpa, why are you talking like the second graders?" C'mon Willie, you have to say something that isn't normally accompanied by sticking your thumbs in your ears, waving your fingers, and making a farting noise.

Secondly, what in the hell does it even mean? If Willie is the only one who knows this grand piece of information, how is anyone going to find out? And, Willie, any smart-alicky smirks demonstrating that your great secret is keeping Americans on the edge of their seat is sorely misplaced. Ninety-eight percent of Americans don't care whether you retire now or when you're 138 (which, coincidentally, I believe is in just two years). Eighty-eight percent of Americans wouldn't know you from Real World Philadelphia Willie (the gay Puerto Rican dude). And, 53 percent think the "Supreme Court" is something that you get at Dairy Queen.

Admittedly, this column is 1000% filler. But, I plan on watching the BATG Reunion Special tonight and maybe giving an analysis soon. The show should be good. I even think that the dumb, hot chicks on BATG could come up with something better than Willie Rehnquist's "That's for me to know and you to find out." If not, we might be looking at Pee Wee Herman as our next Supreme Court justice, repeatedly telling Clarence Thomas "I know you are but what am I!"

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