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Single Guy in a Married World
7/19/05
by JT

I am rapidly approaching the completion of my 27th year on this planet and I have come to a realization. A zen like understanding of my place in this world. I am basically the last single man in my circle of friends. The last bastion of light in a ever darkening room. It wasn't always this way. I, like all college aged men, was once one amongst a group of brethren. A gaggle of horny young men drunk off cheap beer and detestful swill vodka looking for a fresh piece of ass at every stop on life's highway. Doing what we wanted when we wanted without having to answer to anyone. The first to go was The Claw, a legend in his time. He was like Frank the Tank on steroids. Then Brainz quickly followed, so did Schmitty, Ang, T, Wolfie, and the renouned DHster DJ to name a few*, falling prey to the trappings and temptations of married life. All good men. Good men who drank whiskey not by the shot, but by the bottle. Men whom could bed drunken sorority girls by the dozens. Men whom incited bar brawls in foreign countries, flooded hotel rooms, and sunk houseboats. But time moved on. Now these men worry about such trivialities as drapes, safe cars, dishwashers, and the dreaded babysitter. What happened to these once mighty warriors? The soldiers in my army of debaucherous glee? Much like the mighty Trojans they are slowly but surely being rendered extinct. I on the other hand am holding onto my bachelorhood with the strength and determination of a wolverine protecting its lair. Drinking like I was still in college, chasing women at every turn, I am like the Van Wilder of single men. Forever enrolled at Coolidge College.... searching for that dare to be great situation.

There was a time when I nearly shared the fate of my fallen brothers. I was once engaged to a beautiful Londoner named Kate. She had hair the color of autumn, and green eyes like the sea after a storm. She was everything a man could want, smart, funny, beautiful with a sexy foreign accent. The two of us were embraced by my circle of married freinds and invites abounded. There were dinner parties, trips to cabins in the mountains, even couples drinking nights in which babies were sent to stay with their grandparents. We were in. Part of the society of the married, embraced by all. But the fates were not on our side and the engagement ended. I was tossed back into the wilderness of single life. I stood up, brushed myself off, and picked up the torch to carry on, vowing to never find myself so close to the abyss again.

An odd thing occured after the end of my engagement. The invites stopped coming. I would no longer hear about the dinner parties days before the event but rather days after. I was shunned. And when I was invited a suspiscious eye followed me at every turn. I was now an outsider, someone to be feared. The wives of my friends had become cagey, unsure of my intentions in the group. When they look upon me they see the men their husbands were when they met them, they remember the drinking, the parties and the women and they grow leery. They take their men to bed early, I stay up until 4am playing playstation on a Tuesday. They drink responsibly, I drink with no regard of responsibility whatsoever. They hear my stories of young coeds and bars and a tinge of fear sparks in the back of their mind. It's not that they now dislike me, they are simply afraid that their husbands may bear witness to my life of unbridled joy and freedom, the lives their husbands once shared with me in days past, and they may become tempted. It is to them that I put forth this plea:

Ladies, wives to my friends, friends of mine. Do not fear me. I am not a threat to you or your marriage. I am simply a man searching for his freinds. I will not squire them away from you with the temptations of single life. I will not corrupt them with nights filled with booze, strippers, and drugs. I will not lead them down a destructive path of decadence leading to the desolving of your vows of matrimony. I am still the same JT whom you once accepted with open arms. So let your men go out to the bars and drink with me until they pass out on my living room floor. Let them stay up all night playing poker or playstation, drinking smoking and chewing. Not every night mind you. Not even once a week. But just for a night or two every month let them out. Let them blow off some steam and live as they once had. They are like stallions, longing to run free in the fields. Let them out and leave the gate open, they will come back home. I will make sure of it. I am still your friend afterall. I may not be married or engaged, and I may do things nightly that you frown upon, but I am not a threat to your marriage. So give your husbands these nights of remembrance, I'll be happy, they'll be happy which will in turn make you happy. Everyone wins. And in this crazy world, isn't that enough? Think about it.

And to my friends, my lost warriors of old, I will continue to carry the torch for you. I will be the light at the end of the tunnel. So when you need a night out, you know where I'll be. I'm sitting at the bar.... second seat down on the left.... there's a cold beer waiting.

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