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The Old Dude
7/14/05
by Clay

Last night I gave a hitchhiking teenage boy a ride home. (I am well aware that this sounds like every gay man's fantasy). This was our actual conversation.

"You need a lift?"
"Yeah, thanks man."
"No problem."
Awkward silence as we proceed down the hill. It actually occurred to me that I had nothing to talk about with this kid. Then I proved it.
"Do you watch "My Super Sweet 16"?"
"What's that?"
"It's just this MTV show."
"Nah."

More awkward silence that extended for twice as long. Mercifully we arrived at his destination. Just before he left, he said.

"Do you burn?"
I almost said, "Only if I stay in the sun for a really long time," but then my lingo alert kicked in and I realized he probably wasn't talking about sunburns.
"What?"
"Nevermind."
"No, what?"
"It means do you smoke pot."
"Oh, right." Translation: I am officially an old loser.
"That's ok," he said as he left.

Then just before he could leave, I succombed to high school peer pressure, eight years after graduation.

"Well, I mean, I used to, but I don't anymore."

Which was a complete lie. I might be the only person on earth who never actually smoked pot. Primarily because as any reader of these columns can tell, I already think about things way too much.

He nodded his head in that way all kids nod their heads when they can tell their parents are lying and left. Since then, these are the people that have known what burn meant and their responses when I asked them,

My wife Lara ("You really are a loser. Even my mom knows that.")
Lara's mom ("It means to smoke pot, right?")
Fellow lawyer in the firm ("It means to smoke pot. You didn't know that?")
The 27 ("Yeah, I mean, it means to smoke pot but there are probably some people who don't know and are still cool....Maybe.")

Then I stopped asking. For the record on July 13, 2005, I officially met a word I didn't know and became old.

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