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Hot TV Housewives
7/26/05
by DJ

Since I have now crossed over into the realm of holy matrimony under the new rules of the regime, it is no longer acceptable for me to leer, stare, or otherwise ogle any piece of hotness that comes across my roving gaze in any conspicious manner. I now must only hang out with married couples and do married people things and now watch married people shows. Boring. After giving my new status deep thought (about 3 entire minutes worth) I realized I live in America: the land of the free and the home of the loophole. This led me to embark upon the holy quest of the married man, namely: How can I stare at something that is now wrong, i.e. any other woman, and make it acceptable?

After another three minutes of deep thought, I had my answer: if it's not real in the first place, then there is no culpabilty involved for staring. It's the equivalent of thinking Tinkerbell is hot, sick as that sounds, for lack of a better explanation. I thusly arrived at this absolution (no, not Disney characters as I'm not a sick bastard), I can look at whomever I want so long as no negative activity could never result. Further thought led me to consider which women are even less threatening than fictional characters? And the answer of course, was married fictional characters, namely hot TV wives.

Applying the land of the free and home of the loophole logic, therefore, checking out hot TV wives is not wrong. I can never have them, because they are not real; just characters like the aforementioned Tinkerbell. At least that's how I justified it in my head, and that's all that counts. If I was going too fast for you, then feel free to re-read the opening stanza. If you could grasp that concept, proceed to my list of Hot TV Wives, in no particular order. Note: All the Desperate Houseswives are excluded, because they would constitute the whole list (except the red-head... eeewwww)

Carrie Heffernan, King of Queens- Played by Leah Remini. There are two things unbelieveable about this show. First, how it stayed on the air for six seasons and secondly how the hell did the fat ass dorky tubby hubby land this marvelous piece of work. Even her actual husband is way too ugly for her, earning her the "Lifetime UnderAchiever Award". Her body is insane. She looks just as good in a tight Juicy suit or bathing suit as she does in her dress clothes.

See, I told you she was hot...

Debra Barone, Everybody Loves Raymond- Played by Patricia Heaton. Ok, she's not super hot, but when you get married, as the crow flies, she'll do. Once again another spicy Italian (pardon the pun). Hotter than her big nosed husband, but not hot enough to leave him. Her body is suprisingly hot, a classic in-the-closet MILF. Hands down the best mom boobs around.

They aren't real, but hey, neither is she...

Claire Huxtable, The Cosby Show- Played by Phylicia Rashad. The original. There is at least one other DH writer who fervently shares this opinion with me. (Hint: His name is a number.) Her first name sounds like something naughty. She was my first TV mom crush, and to this day, I wished I was Theo because of that one reason. While her real husband was MJ's lap dog, she filled my dreams (and sheets) with ooeeyy goodness.

Insert sexually driven Jello pudding joke here.....

Uncle Jesse's wife, Full House-Played by Lori Loughlin. Her character name was Becky Donaldson, but no one really knew her by that name. Two words describe her "Hot Innocence." She always seemed to me to be the one hot, uncorrupted good girl at the party who was just one more Jager Bomb away from stripping on the bar and going nome with like three dudes. I hated Uncle Jesse for never buying her that drink. Her figure was sick and she seemed overly slutty in all her attire, serving as a good role model for all the other little girls in the house. Wait... Uncle Jesse (John Stamos), wins the "Lifetime OverAchiever Award" for even fake marrying this chick and actually marrying Rebecca Romijn-Stamos.

MILF of the Year

Jay Kyle, My Wife and Kids- Played by Tisha Cambell-Martin aka "Damn Gina." She's smokin' for two reasons, first she looks just like my first girlfriend (I have proof assholes), and second she looks good skinny, "thick", or fat. She is the sleeper of this group. Her face is exotic, her smile is dashing, and her ass is so so phat...

Imagine her topless. I do....

So there it is. 5 TV Wives I can't get yelled at for drooling over. These are the types of ruminations that keep you busy whilst sitting through family card games, boring reality TV, and of course romantic comedy movies. If I left anyone off the list, feel free to post it on our message board or hit us up at deadlyhippos@gmail.com.

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