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Senator Clinton declares war on Grand Theft Auto
7/20/05
by Clay

If there was ever any doubt that the Presidential nomination cycle for 2008 began approximately two days after the election of 2004, Senator Hillary Clinton's attack on the Grand Theft Auto video game has erased it. (See the story here.)

Due to a "bug" in the Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas game, purchasers can download a patch on a computer site which allows players to engage in simulated sex. Presumably this is worse than imagining engaging in actual sex which occupies over half of the teenage male's waking hours. Presumably it is also worse than watching actual people engage in actual sex on roughly 1 million existing pornographic websites. Clinton's is a worthless battle akin to the one some parents have fought to put shields in front of the covers of magazines like Maxim and Cosmopolitan so their children will not become sex-crazed. I've got news for these parents, your kids are already sex-crazed and if you knew how to use a computer you would be able to tell just how much. This battle is over and your kids have won. Next time little Johnny tells you that he has no idea how the computer got so many viruses or why the computer emits a mournful wail everytime you turn it on, he is lying. The computer is wailing because even though it has no mind of it's own it is sickened by what a perverse little snot your child has become and it doesn't want to have to turn itself on again to allow your little rugrat to be turned on again. Why do you think his palms are so hairy? That doesn't just happen you know.

But thank god we have Senators like Hillary! to protect us from pixellated intercourse. In her letter to the Federal Trade Commission, Hillary stated: "We should all be deeply disturbed that a game which now permits the simulation of lewd sexual acts in an interactive format with highly realistic graphics has fallen into the hands of young people across the country." Well, thank you so much for joining the ranks of the same sexual McCarthyites who brought your husband's sexual proclivities to the entire world. Evidently simulated video game sex is more difficult for kids to handle than actual sexual activity involving the President of the United States with an intern and a cigar.

There should have been a quote running alongside this story that said: "No one should be disburbed that my husband lied about inserting a cigar into his intern and then smoked it while referencing the taste and later stained a blue dress with his semen." Which is essentially the argument Hillary was making in 1998.

If the makers of this plug-in activity really wanted to have a good time, they should have made the female character resemble Monica Lewinsky and have had cigars involved. I bet Hillary wouldn't have had any issues with the simulated sex then. Or if she did at least it would have required her to make a nuanced legal argument that her Yale Law School chums would be proud of. Even if is isn't always is, as is, Hillary is making an argument that no one ever gets called out for making because every politician in America can safely argue against sex. Seriously. No one points out the fact that a kid has to expend an awful lot of time and energy to download this simulated sex patch or that in so doing he likely swims right by internet commerce featuring the much more explicit text of the Starr report and god knows how many websites featuring actual sex. Video games are an easy target and doubtless this letter will make a cameo in television adverstisements for Hillary's foregone reelection campaign to the New York Senate in 2006. It will probably garner her a few more votes from clueless parents and increase her "values" profile. What it won't change is this, Hillary Clinton has joined the sexual McCarthyites. I hope parents everywhere feel safer.

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