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A Glorious Wedding Indeed
7/12/05
by JT

It was a sunny Saturday in beautiful San Clemente, California. The breeze was blowing, the birds were chirping, and the smog was particularly clear for this time of year. The mighty Pacific played a seemingly endless game of tag with the sandy beaches on the picturesque horizon. Droves of people, including some loquacious B to E list celebrities were gathered in a quaint church to view the bonding in holy matrimony of DJ to his eruditely beautiful Roxy hottee, Monique. Her dress was a color called "Diamond White"; glorious indeed. In the wedding party there was DJ, a semi famous basketball player, surfer/model, and once child actor. (Yes, an odd medley indeed). There was JT, a semi famous basketball player in Southwest Denver and an extra in one made for TV movie. There is DJ's brother David, a famous basketball player in the NBA and fellow DHster Clay from "pudding strike" fame who donned a perfecttly manicured beard....and a Subaru. There in the crowd sat a former All-American college football player and Butkus award winning linebacker with two super bowl rings, and Jamahl, a semi-famous basketball player in Australia and Spain. You throw in Trennis, a pimp in his own rhyme and an aspiring NBA agent, and this was an event for the LA Times indeed. So as you can imagine, the papparazzi had the building surrounded. (DJ's co-star in his only movie, Ernest P. Worrell, could not make the wedding due to his unfortunate death).

The wedding went off without a hitch.... unless you consider the groom arriving 10 minutes late a hitch, despite arriving in a new 2005 Porsche 911 Carrera... and some members of the families arriving post start time. In fact, the majority of the entire wedding and its onlookers were not on time. But the 2.00 pm proposed start time was really more of a suggestion than a rule so it was all good. Once the wedding started it went off sans problems. The bride and bridesmaids looked beautiful, the groom and groomsmen looked incredibly dapper and handsome in their tuxes, and the priest/pastor/preacher orchestrated the ceremonies flawlessly (however, there was an incredibly long awkward pause mid-ceremony in which he may have actually taken a nap). I do have a suggestion though. For the non-catholics attending a catholic wedding, it would be convenient if you distributed some sort of prayer script for us heathens so we know exactly what the hell to say and when. I'm tired of feeling left out when the entire church belts out "Glory to God" or some shit and I'm left looking around like an idiot. Anyways, after some wedding catalog caliber photos, we were all off on an hour commute to Orange for the reception, and what a reception it was.

A couple of quick notes from the drive to the reception:

- I would literally laugh out loud everytime we passed the exits for Capistrano as the line from Lloyd Christmas in Dumb and Dumber entered my incredibly juvenile mind.

- David is one of the funnest people to drive with as he has literally no regard for other drivers or their aspirations of destination, and no regard for the yet unreleased BMW he was stewarding at the time.

That being said, the reception was at a quaint Mexican restaurant in the OC. The booze flowed like wine and there were several good toasts (mine not included). I was a bit disappointed that I fought off the urge to wear white socks with my tux and do Michael Jackson dance moves all night, but with the amount of comedy going on around me I was not disappointed for long. After the photographers and flashbulbs subsided, the real fun ensued, picking up speed lap after lap like the Indy 500.

Within 5 minutes of arrival I had my first scotch on the rocks in my possession. After procuring my beverage, I headed outside where I met up with fellow groomsmen Levi. He poked fun at me for my drink, making jokes about the state of sobriety I would soon be in, and told me of his rule that he does not drink hard alcohol at weddings or similar social functions any longer. Strictly beer for that southern gentlemen.

Over the next nine hours Levi averaged a minimum of 2 shots of whiskey and 2 jack and cokes per hour. For the mathematicians in the audience that is approximately 36 ounces of whiskey. Rules were made to be broken.

After dinner was when things got really entertaining, and it is this point of the night that I would like to concentrate the remaining crux of my tale upon. First the wedding parties were called up to the stage / dance floor area for an unknown reason. At this point (out of nowhere) a MARIACHI BAND springs out on the dance floor and begins playing songs of the mexican revolution, the forbidden dance, etc. This was odd enough, but then our hero of the day and groom DJ bursts onto the floor wearing a sombrero attempting to dance to the latin flavor. I want you all to close your eyes and picture this event if you will.

DJ is a 6' 7" black man...

a tall drink of water...

wearing an Armani tuxedo...

and a sombrero...

attempting to dance a salsa...

with a mariachi band playing their hearts and souls out behind him...

Are you picturing it?

Yes, it looks that absurd.

Its a wedding! OLE!

At this point he decides he hasn't embarrassed his new bride enough and pulls her out to dance with him in her white flowing gown, beset in some sort of array of blinding jewels. Bride and groom, she in her beautiful dress, he in his tux and sombrero, dancing on their wedding day. The only thing that made this less shocking to me is that the day I met DJ, one of the first things I said to him was, "you look like the kind of dude who dances to a mariachi band wearing a sombrero at his own wedding." So I wasn't so surprised by this move.

The topper of the night for me though had to be the dance between the groom and his mother. Now their was nothing funny involving DJ and his mom, it was the circumstances that I found so humorous. This is the celebration of a marriage that happens to be between a black man and white women while at a mexican restaurant and the groom and his mother are sharing a touching moment..... while a scottish bagpipe song plays. Scottish bagpipes dude. If we had thrown in some basket weaving, snake charming, and sushi I think we would have covered every culture. It was truly a surreal moment. I spent the first minute and a half searching for signs of the 4 horseman. After realizing they weren't coming I spent the next minute and a half laughing.... loudly.

The rest of the night was a good time. Plenty of boozing, dancing and drunken exploits. Later in the night I could be found at a bar in Huntington Beach in my tuxedo telling people I had left my wife at the altar. This sounds funny in premise, but it is not funny when women are telling you that you are an asshole, and men are giving you true heart to heart conversations about life and making choices. At this point you can no longer tell people it was a joke, and it's not funny anymore, so you just have to go with it. The next morning I woke up in the passenger seat of a Chevy Blazer... so all in all it was a damn good wedding.

Congtratulations DJ! You are the best friend a guy could have and you are incredibly lucky that a girl as cool and as hot as Monique agreed to marry you.

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