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If the Deadly Hippos were Disney characters...
7/21/05
by DJ
After spending much time now in Southern California, I have caught the fever,
the magic, and celebration of Disney's 50th Anniversary. It has taken over this
hemisphere of the United States and in many ways, has transformed the way of
life for these peoples. Everywhere you look it's Disney this and Disney that.
The anniversary got my mind percolating, predominately on the ponderance of
what if the DH posse were transformed into Disney characters? Which ones would
they be and why? The only rule that applied was no video game, cartoon, or comic
book characters. After an extensive search I comprised the list, which I will
give utterance to momentarily, but first I would like to point out something.
Walt Disney
must have lived in either a fantasy world, or was part of Hitler's Nazi Regime.
Everyone was white, glowing in fact. There are virtually no ethnic characters
to be found, and the ones that displayed to closest characteristics were his
mammalian characters. Some, like the Tar Baby in Brer Rabbit, were actually
insulting. Name aside, the Tar Baby portrayed the stereotypical characteristics
and mannerisms of the "lazy negro", which were somewhat still in vogue
at the time of production, which is why this particular allegory takes places
in the rural South. After searching for other races, I found only semblances
of other races, Indian and Native Americans, in particular, massively stereotyped
as well. I could go on and on, but that would take the fun out of the article,
So without further ado, if DH turned Disney....
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Clay- most definitely the most cantankerous and sully of all the dwarves, Grumpy. If one could only see what goes on behind closed doors in the DH e-board room. The scathing remarks, the cacophonous emails. Grumpy Dwarf is the closest thing to Moody Verbally Abusive Dwarf I can find. Rumor has it, he has driven at least one DH into seclusion due to his brashness. He sports a manly beard, is short. Also, I can't use Luigi from Super Mario Brothers.... | |
Grrrr. I'm so mean!!! |
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Kwo-After much deliberation, I described the persona to my wife. She quickly said the most hilarious thing a woman has ever uttered with surprising quickness and aplomb: Eeyore. The manic depressive, passive aggressive equine from Winnie the Pooh. Before an undisclosed incident, Kwo was a hot prospect, a bundle of life, and in search of love in Russia via the postal service. Now, a shambles of his former self, he's resigned to sitting in the shadows, licking his wounds, only to periodically surface with quick-one liners and deft counter-punching. | |
Ryan Leaf...errr...I
mean Kwo |
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DJ-Goofy. Also penned by my lovely wife. He is the tallest character, and the most athletic. He's tall, dark, and handsome, and a jack of all trades. If he played baseball, he'd bat .250, if he played basketball, he'd average 8.3 points per game. He never quite fails, but can never win either. All his friends are way more famous than him, but in no way that much better (except Mickey, he's a pimp). Deep, analytical, psychiatric evaluations aside, he's also just a goofy dumbass, like myself.... |
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JT- Donald Duck. Reasons abound for this choice. For one, Donald has two distinct personalities, like our scribe. During the day, mild mannered Josh (unprovoked Donald) cruises the streets, but after imbibing, he turns to JT, the yelling, sometimes unintelligible, spitting version of Donald Duck. A single seemingly trite detail can set him off, much like angry Donald. And they have the same haircut and nose...and they both like to wear sailor suits with no pants.... |
Josh |
JT |
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Tardio- He is an enigma. He is always there, lurking in the shadows, with hilarious reviews and quips at e-board meetings every now and again. He keeps to himself, not revealing it to the outside world at all. He does his work, not seeking recognition or reward; his amiable task is to serve for the greater good, a pawn of good will and hard work. A magical, mystical beast Tardio is. He morphs into any shape necessary to do the job. Tardio is the Broom in Fantasia. | |
Look how strong
he is! |
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The 27- Due to Walt Disney's lack of imagination in the world of race relations, there is only one guy The 27 could be, but he is not to be scoffed at. The 27 is Aladdin (Kumar is not Disney oriented, sorry folks). He has a badass girl and a slick ride. The 27 was at one point a prince amongst men on the gridiron, the Sheik of Shake they used to call him. His genie, the practice of law which grants his every wish, his faithful companion, the billable hour. A princely vocation indeed. |
The 27 discusses law |
His pet, the billable hour |
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Shaw-King Triton from The Little Mermaid. He is the Webmaster, the man behind the scenes. Like his hairline, he fades to the back, but we acknowledge its presence. He keeps it running smoothly and seemingly sans effort, like a Kenyan at the Boston Marathon. Akin to the Wizard of Oz, he is shrouded in mystery, a big booming voice of detail and reason. He is the creator and holds the fate of the Hippos in his hands each day, posting what he wills... | |
Look at those abs! |
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