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The Passing of an NBA Legend
7/28/05
by JT

Recently something incredible in basketball was lost. In the midst of free-agent signings, the LA Lakers soap opera and the NBA draft, something unimaginably significant flew by under the radar. Something of which the effect will be felt for some time in the entertainment level of the NBA, leaving a mountainous void (literally) beneath arena rims around the country.

Shawn Bradley has retired.

I'll let the implications of this sink in.

Illustrious Career

For those of you unfamiliar with Bradley, he entered the league in 1993, the #2 pick in the draft by the Philadelphia 76ers. He stood 7' 6" tall and weighed in at approximately 170 lbs. He was filled with Mormon moxy and a complete lack of skin pigmentation. He had a twinkle in his eye, and a lack of grace in his step, determined to leave his mark on the sport.... and leave his mark he did. Some of his career highlights include ranking #10 all-time in blocked shots in the history of the NBA, awkwardly jogging up and down NBA courts, starring in a movie opposite Michael Jordan and Buggs Bunny, and being elected to the 2005 Deadly Hippos All-Ugly NBA Team (SHAW put link to all-ugly team here)

But his effect on the game could not be measured in statistics. He brought something else to the table that few in the history of the game ever could. Perhaps better than any player in the history of the sport, Bradley had the undeniable ability to find himself on the losing end of opposing players dunks across the league. He was a photographers dream, standing there under the basket like a mighty aspen, waiting for his opponents to come chop him down with their viscious aerial tea baggings.

He caught the tail end of the careers of MJ and Dominique and thus was rarely disrespected by two of the greatest dunkers to ever walk the planet. However, he has come face to nutsack with nearly every NBA player who can touch the rim in the last decade. Shaquille O'Neill could fill an entire highlight tape with the number of times he has sent Bradley sprawling to the floor following an ill-advised attempt at denying one of Shaq's fecal facials. A particularly disrespectful Jason Richardson tip dunk comes to mind. In fact, Bradley has found himself on the business end of so many face rapings that it becomes hard to seperate them. One in particular stands out though. Bradley saved his Sistine Chapel of disrespect for his final season. In this years playoffs Tracy McGrady presented Shawn with one of the foulest, most disgraceful, orgasm inducing dunks the game has ever seen. It has to rank right up there with Vince Carter over Frederic Weis in the 2000 Olympics. One of those rare moments of degredation in basketball that makes you spit out what you're drinking. Truly the the icing on the cake of a magnificent career.

God...... Damn.

What this means

He was the type of player that would lead high fliers within the NBA to masturbate in anticipation when seeing his team on their schedule. The type of player who made 6' 5" and under players believe that they had a shot at being on the lead in to Sportscenter. The type of athlete who filled stands accross the country with curious fans hoping to catch a glimpse of his pale skeletal silouhette and his futile attempts at shot blocking.

His absence leaves a huge void in the league. Fleer, Topps, Authentic and other basketball card companies are considering lawsuits against Bradley. The poster industry is expecting an enormous decline in profit statements. The NBA, which has enjoyed a resent resurgence in attendance, is worried that this trend could reverse. In short, his retirement could be apocolyptic for this once great league.

Or maybe not.

Nearly 40 year old Bryon Russell dunks on Shawn... he is only 6'4"

Whats next?

They say every time a man dies a child is born. If this is true then there must be a successor to Shawn "Dunkbait" Bradley in this years draft class. Someone to pick up the torch and put himself between the rim and an angry Kenyon Martin for our entertainment. That someone is named Andrew Bogut:

This years #1 draft pick is tall and extraordinarly pale, much like Bradley. He has already been thoroughly disrespected in a recent summer league game by loyal DH reader and Indiana Pacer David Harrison (of ass goiter fame), and appears to have the type of posterizable ability that you just can't teach. See article here.

Harrison drew a technical foul less than two minutes into the game. Harrison was whistled for hanging on the rim on his monster two-handed dunk. He rested during the second half and finished with 16 points in only 14 minutes, on six-of-eight shooting from the field. Said assistant coach Dan Burke. "Let's just say he gave Bogut an initiation to the NBA game"

Not a bad start at all.

Next possibility - Andrew Bynum-

The high schooler is the youngest player in the history of the NBA and thus is likely to be too ignorant to get out of the way of the leagues high fliers. He is also used to playing high school players and thus is likely to underestimate the athletic ability of his new foes. Shaquille O'Neill has already taken a dislike to young Andrew. Never a good sign.

However, it is my belief that the search for someone to fill this tremendous void in the NBA will be a fruitless one. It is similar to the NBA's desire to label players "the next Jordan" or the next Magic or Bird. Sometimes you just have to come to the realization that one of the greats has left, and no matter how badly we wish someone could replace him no one will ever be the same. So I would just like to say thank you Shawn Bradley.... here's to the memories....

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