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BATG: The Long-Awaited Finale
7/08/05
by Tardio

Needless to say, the finale of BATG was pretty damned good. This show must be given its props for its effectiveness in filling in the usually slow summer months of reality television (see "I Want to Be a Hilton," not to be confused with the show I'd rather see – "I Want to Do a Hilton"…the mom included). First, the premise of the finale: with only two couples left – Chuck and Richard being the geeks left – the first half of the show had the geeks and the hot chicks hanging out doing something that they like to do; then, the second half of the show was the final elimination round to crown the winners of $250,000 (which comes to $97.50 each after taxes).

Here were the highlights:

1. Chuck had to blow off some steam early in the episode. It seems he was a bit uptight and nervous about the elimination round (no, Chuck uptight? The same guy who freaked out when Rich got too close to the campfire?) First, Chuck decided he'd do some one-armed push-ups, which turned out to be one of the funniest scenes of the show – Here's Chuck, doing one-armed pushups in dark stone-washed jeans and a maroon sweater, and doing a robust one set of three. Not exactly Hulk Hogan circa Wrestlemania 4. Then, Chuck decides he's going to do a staunch eleven seconds of shadow boxing. Once again Chuck looked like an idiot. He couldn't have impressed a Boca Raton senior citizen aerobics class with those exercise moves.

2. Chuck then takes his beauty to a martial arts class. Chuck, in the course of six episodes, has gone from insecure loser dork to thinking he's a badass. He's swinging at his chick and letting her hit him in the stomach. I don't care if Chuck is a Ralph Machio black-belt, I don't think he could kick my ass. All the while during the martial arts class, he's encouraging his beauty like a porn director with grunts, shrieks, and phrases like "Go, Go, Go," and "Relax…excellent!" Priceless television.

3. Clearly, someone talked to Host because he toned down the stupid outfits. If you'll remember, he rocked the previous episodes with outfits that Prince wouldn't wear. This time he went with the simple green polo. Good choice.

4. When Chuck's beauty cooked him dinner, he wouldn't touch the food until he used some anti-bacterial soap. Yes, Chuck, loosen up, buddy. He scrubbed in before dinner like he was Dr. John Carter about to perform a triple bypass. It's a potato, dude. This guy couldn't pick up a girl if she had handles.

5. Richard shows his girl his prowess on the piano. Honestly, Richie is pretty good here, not nearly as dorky as Chucky on the martial arts. And, I have to say, his chick was really impressed and looked like she was actually having a good time (as opposed to Chucky's chick, who looked like she'd rather be at a funeral than in the martial arts class). Honestly, you give a guy who doesn't look like the white Urkel Richie's prowess on the piano, he could probably do some damage.

6. Lastly, in the final round, Chucky decided to prepare by hiking up the shirt sleeves to mid-bicep and doing a double knuckle crack. I don't care if Chucky was on television, he still can't pick up any girls until he realizes the shirt sleeves don't go mid-bicep. And, no girl is going to melt when, right before you start to talk to her, you go double knuckle crack. C'mon Chuck.

Well, the regular season is over for BATG. It was such a resounding success that I'm sure it'll be back. However, there is one post-season episode – next week is a behind the scenes look at the show. I can't wait. And, if Chuck actually hooked up with Scarlet, I'm going to kill myself.

Oh, and, in a victory for all martial-arts loving functional neurology students, Chuck and some hot chick--whose name is not as important as her body--pulled out the victory.

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