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BATG: Episode 5
7/06/05
by JT

After a weekend of sun, booze, and a bevy of bikini clad co-eds in Newport Beach I am finally able to sit down and write my review of BATG Episode 5.... Scarlet's Revenge:

The challenge of the week was to go camping. This may sound somewhat non-entertaining at first but you have to remember that this will be three clueless hot women and three über-geeks camping, so high comedy is sure to ensue.

It didn't disappoint as Scarlet initially tries packing different pairs of high heels that will match her camping outfits before being told that she probably won't be needing them. We are reminded that Shawn was in fact an Eagle Scout. We have to be reminded because Shawn has about as much personality as a desert tortoise and America has been having trouble remembering much about him at all. Shawn should have the upper hand as a former Eagle Scout and the others are somewhat intimidated by his advanced state of geekness in this category. This intimidation would prove to be vastly unwarranted. The challenge is to hike up a mountain trail, catch a fish, set up a tent, then light a campfire and roast a marshmallow and the action ensued this way:

Fresh out of the camper as they are jaunting up the mountain path we hear Richard say, "We are soldiers, we are warriors, we are..... ow my ankle!"

Halfway up the path Shawn the Eagle Scout falls on the ground and start vomiting like a fraternity pledgling. Scarlet is less than happy with him.

We realize that they do not have to catch a fish as the fish are already attached to the hooks. They simply have to reel them in. Richard has a disturbing amount of trouble doing this. Scarlet is told she can't reel Shawn’s fish in for him and reaches level 7 on the rage scale.

Richard skips around yelling, "We're getting kindling! We're getting kindling!"

Chuck and Caitilin win again.

At this point things get extremely entertaining as sweet Scarlet hulks out in a full bitch metamorphosis and starts yelling, crying, and throwing things. She is far too pissed off to keep pretending she likes Chuck. The look on his face when she pulls away from him violently and his subsequent attempts to talk to her after were worth the price of admission alone. This also sets the tone for the night of camping, drinking, confrontation, and a bit of self reflection thrown in for good measure.

Scarlet is on the brink of anger explosion for the entire night. Her change in personality in a single episode is incredible. It was reminiscent of the end of the movie Species when a sweet and beautiful Natasha Henstridge suddenly sheds her human form to reveal a diabolical alien attempting to destroy mankind. She crushes both Chuck and Shawn's rebuilt sense of manhood in a single night by the campfire. There is something about mixing camping and alcohol that can bring out the worst in people (I once was so wasted while camping that I created an imaginary friend whom I dubbed "my boy from Greeley" who I claimed could drink all others at the campsite under the table. I made said claim well into the evening after all others had gone to sleep, only to eventually pass out in the snow... not my finest evening). Also not having his best night was Chuck. Chuck has come to believe that he is the King of the Geeks, or Alpha-Geek if you will. As a result he starts treating Richard like a 7 year old, chastising him every time he gets near the fire. There are some funny things in this world my friends, but few compare to the site of Chuck and Richard in a trash-talking battle. Who came out on top in this battle will be debated for ages, but I believe by witnessing it... we all won.

Due to the fact that all the rest of the campers side with Richard, Chuck takes a few moments to sit back and reflect on his loss of control over his anger. I'm guessing this is not a common problem for him since it appears that Richard is the only man in the world that Chuck would be able to take in a fist fight. The evening ends and our heroes leave the campsite for the comfortable confines of home. (side note- The big loser of the night may have been the term beauty after seeing the interview clips of the girls without make-up.... wow.)

While preparing for the elimination room, Scarlet has not let go of her anger and is forcing Shawn to study constantly. Shawn of course says nothing and does as he is told. In the elimination room in a moment of sweet, sweet irony, Scarlet misses 2 out of 3 questions forcing her team to lose. This week however exposed the truth behind Mindi. I believe she hustled the producers of the show by giving them the distinct impression that she was stupid so that she could make her way on the show and win the $250,000. She has not missed a single quiz question yet.

So what did we learn this week? We learned that Scarlet is in truth a bitch, Mindi is a hustler, Shawn is the worst Eagle Scout ever, and Richard and Chuck are headed into a Geek battle royale the likes of which reality TV has never seen before. I can't wait for the finale… which airs tonight.

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