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My Super Sweet Sixteen
by Clay

MTV's new show "My Super Sweet 16" represents the culmination of American capitalism fused with American idiocy. Of course this means I absolutely love and hate the show at the same time and spent the better part of Sunday caught up in a marathon of the show. As an aside, if people wonder why American kids are fat it's because I guarantee you if those Americans under the age of twenty were asked to define marathon the majority of them would define it based upon MTV shows as opposed to the 26.2 mile run. This is a great study that somene much smarter than me should undertake.

The two best episodes of the marathon (and by best, of course, I mean horribly and intoxicatingly bad and good at the same time) dealt with Hart and a girl whose name I don't remember but who appeared to have recently had a nosejob. Hart's show consisted of the following: a straight Red Bull chugging contest ending in nausea, (somewhere even the Red Bull people are thinking, people actually drink this stuff without alcohol) selection of professional dancers after a shady trip into the city with his father to review dancers at a club with no name (Hart's father might seriously deserve his own reality show, it could focus on felonies the rich committ that they are never charged with), and a private jet trip to Miami so Hart and his father could bond. Object two on the rich felon list consisted of Hart's father standing at a South Beach bar with his son while they consumed beverages and actually saying the following,

"I'm so glad you're sixteen. Now we can hang out."

Which proved beyond a shadow of a doubt why the first marriage of Hart's father didn't pan out. But so finally the 250k party (Hart's father classily informs the camera of the cost) celebrating a sweet sixteen birthday party takes place. My favorite quote from the party came when the professional dancers arrived. One of those girls who isn't that cute but tries really hard to be cute was upset about the arrival of the dancers. She said, saucily, in her outfit that revealed a thin layer of pudge, "I mean what are those girls doing here, they're like 25." Sadly this is the same girl, who ten years from now won't allow her boyfriend to receive the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. But the dancers were a hit, and the show ended before Hart could officially announce that he's an idiot. I find it indisputable that at some point in time karmic justice will decree (along with Hart's family's money) that Hart will become my boss.

The second episode featured the girl who appeared to recently have had a nosejob. I am firmly convinced that if Osama Bin Laden received a tape of this episode it would be the best recruitment video ever for Al-Queda. Instead of all those depressing tapes that feature Osama Bin Laden reading from the Koran about impaling infidels that are spliced with images of a guy with a machine gun dodging obstacle courses consisting of a single swining tire and a rope in the desert, he could use the footage from this episode. Recent nose-job is the offspring of a Muslim mother and a Jewish father. Her party contained the following, ample illegal cleavage in at least three different party dresses (the girl actually had three wardrobe changes at her 16th birthday party), a lavish Los Angeles ballroom, an entrance where nosejob girl was carried by four ripped shirtless men on a throne, rampant erotic dancing, assorted spoiled American children, and craven images galore. I'm serious about this. If Osama bin Laden released this video, Al Queda would never have to produce another recruitment film ever again. And America would officially have lost the War on Terror. Which got me to thinking, how hysterical would commentary from Osama bin Laden be if it accompanied "My Super Sweet 16?" Even a show about Osama bin Laden watching "My Super Sweet 16" would be funny. Hopefully wherever he is, the satellite picks up MTV.

Anyway, these were the two episodes that I loved/hated and I'm already psyched about the new episode featuring a girl who looks like Barbie and kicks all the freshmen out who try and crash her sweet 16 party. I mean who do these freshmen think they are trying to crash this party anyway? Generations from now, people are going to point to shows like "My Super Sweet 16" as indicative of why America collapsed, but until then I'll keep watching and cringing, watching and cringing.