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The Surreal Life
2/25/05
by Tardio

Clearly, the best show on television today (contrary to Clay’s recent Wheel of Fortune argument) has to be The Surreal Life. VH1 has absolutely hit jackpot by casting seven D-list celebrities to live together. Any show where you get to hear Da Brat utter the words: “Oh s***, Mini-Me is pissing in the living room” has to be Tivo-worthy.

Let’s analyze the cast (with real names included, because, let’s face it, celebrity’s real names are just flat-out funny – consider Wayne Hardnett (a.k.a. rapper “Bone Crusher”) or Howard Bailey (a.k.a. “Chingy”). (That reminds me – “Crunk” is by far my favorite word in the gangsta lexicon. There’s actually a church around Nashville that has a Sunday night program called “Get Crunked for Christ.” I swear.)

Here’s the cast:

1. Adrienne Curry – the winner of America’s Top Model, the subject of another column in its own right. This girl is so hot the camera lens almost melts, but then she talks and it’s 3 to 1 that she’s developmentally disabled. She makes Stephen Baldwin look like Stephen Hawking in his intellectual prime.

2. Christopher Knight – “Peter Brady” from the Brady Bunch. Knight, a man whose career earnings potential stopped at age 11, is the father-figure of the house. In a plot line that makes normal men want to masturbate with sandpaper, Adrienne the hot model wants to “bang” (her word) Peter Brady. In a recent episode, the gang goes to a strip club and Adrienne the hot model gives Peter a lap dance. Somewhere Bobby Brady (real name Michael Lookinland) is serving waffles at a Huddle House cursing his on damned bad luck.

3. Shawntae Harris – “Da Brat” the female rapper is by far the most sane person in the house, but for some reason dresses like an out-of-work painter. She’s got more overalls than the third season of Hee-Haw. She is serving as the Cupid to Peter and Adrienne the hot model’s love-affair.

4. Jane Wiedlin – The guitarist from the 80s musical group the Go-Go’s. Wiedlin, who was born around the same time as Sophia on the Golden Girls, appears to be feeling the effects of 1980s drug use. To say she’s “slow” is an understatement. You ask her a simple question and she gets back to you with an answer four days later. Also, she doesn’t talk, she squeaks. Her voice is like Willie on the Real World after castration.

5. Marcus Schenkbenburg – a Calvin Klein underwear model. To quote George Costanza, I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality, this guy is pretty damn good looking. I think he does ab crunches while he sleeps. So, he gets to the house, expects to immediately start laying the hot model, and he gets beat out by a Brady. This guy’s self-esteem must be at an all-time low. So, who does he turn to for solace…

6. Chyna Doll – the wrestler. Chyna and Marcus the underwear model have some sort of weird sexual relationship going. And, let me tell you why it’s weird: Chyna goes about 6’3” 225, pure muscle. At the sight of Chyna, you’d think she’s a fitness freak, but she drinks like Nick Cage in Leaving Las Vegas. She’s always hammered, and it’s great. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen Chyna trying to flirt with Marcus eleven vodka-tonics deep.

And, leaving the best for last…

7. Verne Troyer – Verne Troyer is better known (or only known) as “Mini-Me.” This guy is an absolute trip. First, he’s not a midget. A midget is what, like 3 feet tall. Troyer is like 1 foot 5. He’s built like a bowling ball. His stride is so short he gets around on this little scooter. It’s great. I can do no justice to this guy, so I’ll just recite what he did on the first episode:

Troyer arrives at the house late, and Chyna has already moved all her stuff into his “customized” room, and, by “all her stuff” I mean $1700 worth of vodka and muscle shirts. So, Troyer shows up, gets pissed at Chyna, and demands that she move her stuff or he’s walking. To make a long story short, they make up, and Troyer moves into the miniaturized room. Here’s where it gets interesting…Troyer, who would be black-out drunk after one beer, proceeds to drink about 12, and literally keeps falling over. After passing out, Peter Brady goes to check on him, and Troyer is making orgasmic grunts while he sleeps. Then, later in the night, Da Brat walks into the living room, and Troyer is on his scooter fully naked driving around running into things. It’s great. If that’s not enough, Troyer, thinking the corner of the living room is a urinal, stops the scooter, and relieves himself in the corner of the room. Priceless television.

So, what have we learned? Well, how about that seven washed-up celebrities plus alcohol equals Emmy.