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Online Dating 2/28/05 by KWo

If you listen closely enough, you can hear the sound of America ripping apart at the seams. As an expert in romance, I'd like to heal the nation's wounds by resolving this issue of whether eharmony or match.com is a superior online dating service.

First of all, let me say that internet dating is an awesome way to meet attractive and eligible women. So both services are great, especially for making an absolute fool of yourself. If you've got some extra self-esteem you could really do without, and you're tired of things like "respect" and "people not making fun of you", by all means, let the instant messages fly. I mean, what better way to salvage your withering confidence than by posting a deceptively attractive picture of yourself on the internet and publicly declaring "Most people would rather not date me."

So I'll share this bit of sage advice with you: internet dating is a scam. A swindle. Unmitigated bamboozlement. If it looks too good to be true, it probably is.[1] Only a woman with unspeakably horrific flaws would subject herself to the meat market known as match.com; and only on eharmony do women hawk their chastity like overstock candy canes on the day after Christmas. Let me disabuse you of the notion that any of these floozies hold the key to unlock your happiness.

Indeed, true love can only be found at a place where the women are real, the emotions are genuine, and the attraction is more than skin deep. That place is www.russianbridesonline.com. This is dating as nature intended--not an online dating service, but an International Introduction Service. See the difference?

At russianbridesonline, the women don't discriminate against men for any reason. For example, they list their breast measurements in inches and centimeters so as not to exclude our metric-oriented amigos and freunde. By the same token, the men don't harshly judge women that use "make" and "do" as all-purpose verbs for every form of human action, nor do they hold it against women who are fluent in seemingly-nonexistent English words and phrases. It's the epitome of egalitarianism. Let me just say this: if Cupid had a computer connected to the internet, and that computer's data filter were not overly sensitive to provocative imagery, Cupid would spend all his time at www.russianbridesonline.com.

Please. End the madness. Internet dating must be stopped.

Need dating advice? Send your questions to deadlyhippos@gmail.com.

[1] Or it was actually not too good to be true and I am really sorry for generalizing.