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The Jiggleable Hour
2/25/04
by Clay

Jogging along St. Thomas's shore the other night, it occurred to me that it was not only the ocean bobbing alongside of me but also my jiggling fat. This is a relatively new addition to my already wanting physique and represents the most tangible evidence yet that I am officially a lawyer. Contrary to popular opinion, most lawyers do not spend their days striding about the courtroom pleading with juries to deliver justice amidst an unjust world. In fact most lawyers do not move from in front of their computer screens for entire days. That is of course unless a partner decides to bring donuts to the office or the mail girl is wearing a particularly low-cut blouse or short skirt. Aside from this, we young lawyers are desk jockeys without a race, the most highly paid cut and pasters in the history of the modern world. Always at the beck and call of the billable hour.

For those fortunate souls who are not lawyers, a day probably progresses in periods of hours, morning, noon, and evening. For lawyers, our movements in six minute intervals must be tracked with the same precision as a quarterback running the two-minute drill. Except we do it all day everyday, and we can never spike the ball to stop the clock from running. With apologies for that strained metaphor, it occurred to me as I jogged and jiggled, jiggled and jogged, that there is a potentially better way for young lawyers to keep track of their working hours. Plus it actually comes with an incentive to make you feel better when you are too tired to work out at the end of the day.

As a bonus it requires only one thing: A detailed weight and muscle analysis on the first day of employment. Instead of keeping track of six minute intervals that comprise the billable hour, each month young lawyers would submit to a weigh-in and muscle analysis. The resulting change in the physique and musculature would be charged to the client, and there would be a new system born, the jiggleable hour.

Now some may say it's cruel and inhumane, but that is what the 8th amendment is for (oh man what a bad joke that was) and I am confident it would pass Constitutional muster (make that a doubly bad joke). Of course it would be an opt-in provision, and since deadlyhippos.com has our own resident math genius in one Shaw, he can come up with an equation that will demonstrate the billable vs. the jiggleable hour. Clients love to know exactly what they're getting for their money, and now we can show them a tangible product, a fat young lawyer to replace the thin young lawyer. (Of course in the event someone was already fat, they will just become a fatter lawyer and this is probably less aesthetically pleasing to the clients.) So the first rule of the jiggleable hour is this, really fat young lawyers already jiggle too much so they have to stay on the billable hour. Somehow, this made the jiggling on my jog seem more fun.