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At the Deli
by DJ

Today at the deli before basketball practice I was quite possibly put in the most awkward deli position imaginable. Allow me to explain. While waiting for my turn in line, I was chatting with the delist, as I assume they are called, friendly banter (some members of deadlyhippos suggested straight men never use the phrase friendly banter but I disagree) and small talk being exchanged, more or less to pass the time. Then came the question. My friend the delist (post friendly banter we had entered the friendship realm) asked me how many slices of sandwich meat I wanted on my sandwich. I froze. I actually froze. Has anyone EVER been asked that? Is this normal? What is the correct amount before being a fat ass? As we all know too much meat can turned an innocent delight into a improper "sammich". I skittishly mumbled, "Whatever the norm is good buddy" and proceeded to leave as quickly as possible, clutching my sandwich close to my dumbfounded body. Upon arriving home, I counted three slices and ate it wondering all the while how many slices of sandwich meat is normal and how much is a ticket to greedy fat assitude? After much thought, I therefore derived this system. This only works on regular sandwiches not falling into the hoagie subcategory, categorized by the elongated, thickened, crusty bread. In addition this system is only applicable to personal consumption as those big party subs are entirely too confusing to consider. The base is 3 slices of meat, regardless of how thin these slices are since in my experience deli slicers aren't that different. Thereafter, an individual can add one slice for every 2 additional items placed between the territory of the bread. Thusly, with cheese, pickle, lettuce, and tomato the slice count balloons to 5 slices. Condiments are not to be counted and can be spread liberally throughout without affecting the slice count. The same rule applies to inter-mixing sandwiches (the mixing of two meats such as ham and salamie). These rules should be closely followed lest ye be pushed into fatassery by overmeating your sandwich or be forced to engage in friendly banter for far too long with the delist....

Next column, A night out with Colin Farrell (true story).....