 |
 |
 |
| previous column | next column |
Shaw's Tops for 2005, Part 1 of 45
12-19-05
by Shaw
As the year winds down, all kinds of media figures make their top 10 or top 100 or top whatever of the year in their field.
Jackasses.
The standard format is far too restrictive for a website like DeadlyHippos, so instead of one list with a bunch of items, I am making a bunch of lists with one item each. I bring you:
The Best of 2005
Celebrity Breakup: Brad and Jen
These two lovebirds were supposed to be the celebrity couple that lasts--both hot (one definitely hotter than the other), both über famous, and both doing really well at their respective careers. Then Jennifer Aniston's stint on Friends ended, and it became clear that she would be a B-Movie actress for the rest of her life (c.f. Derailed, Along Came Polly, and The Good Girl). And Brad realized that it was time to move on to someone whose lips were full enough to completely enmesh his... personality.
Website: DeadlyHippos.com.
Biting social criticism was the name of the game for this crew in 2005, whether it was lambasting the leadership of the UT coaching staff, which led to Randy Sanders quitting his job, or the harsh review of The Longest Yard, which elicited an official mea culpa by Adam Sandler, issued from atop his huge pile of money, shrouded in a marijuana haze. Sources indicate that 2006 will bring more of the same, but waaaaaaay better.
Album: Sufjan Stevens, Illinois
Chances are if you read this column, you don't listen to indie rock, which is fine. I have made about 10 copies of this CD for people, all of whom have given it two thumbs up. If you ever want to try laughing and crying at the same time, listen to this CD straight through and pay attention to the lyrics. A mournful plea to a dying cancer patient, a celebratory laud of Barack Obama, and a fearful ode to zombies? With trumpets? Count me in.
Job: Lawyer
Whether it was Clay's account of the Napoleon Dynamite questions on the Tennessee Bar Exam, my friend Jason's hilarious 100 hour work weeks, or my friend Andrew's trips to the Canary Islands and Disney World, fully paid for by his lawyer boyfriend, it's clear that 2005 is the Year of the Lawyer--the profession where everybody wins. Bored with your job? Take the LSAT--see how you do. You just might win the job lottery.
Famous
suicide: Hunter S. Thompson
It seems like years since someone forced me to watch Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, a movie my friends from home quote as often as they quote The Big Lebowski... but it was really only 6 months ago. Since then I have delved shamelessly into the catalogue of HST writings, at each new column or book kicking myself for not reading him before. Just imagine being in High School and seeing, in print, in a book that intellectuals consider literature, the following:
How long can we maintain? I wondered. How long before one of us starts raving and jabbering at this boy? What will he think then? This same lonely desert was the last known home of the Manson family. Will he make that grim connection when my attorney starts screaming about bats and huge manta rays coming down on the car? If so -- well, we'll just have to cut his head off and bury him somewhere. Because it goes without saying that we can't turn him loose. He'll report us at once to some kind of outback Nazi law-enforcement agency, and they'll run us down like dogs.
Jesus! Did I say that? Or just think it? Was I talking? Did they hear me? I glanced over at my attorney, but he seemed oblivious -- watching the road, driving our Great Red Shark along at 110 or so. There was no sound from the back seat.
Maybe I'd better have a chat with this boy, I thought. Perhaps if I explain things, he'll rest easy. . .
I believe this speaks for itself.
Famous non-suicide: Richard Pryor
My friends Japes and Meg held their wedding at a church in Peoria that had just recently been renamed Richard Pryor Blvd... too bad they already had the invitations printed up. In order to avoid getting involved in any unintended racial conflict, suffice it to say that I have never heard anything as simultaneously funny and terrifying as his Freebasing stories.
Book
I don't read books that are newer than, say, 1980. I have absolutely no idea what is going on with current literature. My idol is my friend Hunter, who is trying to read all of the good books ever written, in order. He's currently on Thucydides. That said, clearly the answer is my one exception to the first sentence in this paragraph: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.
Sporting Event
GW wins the A-10 championship. Was there ever any doubt? Even though I didn't attend, I did get a full account from Clay and his drunk fool friends, conveniently numbered 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, of the ridiculous extracurricular goings-on. As I didn't even watch the game, I guess I am really voting for this as the best sporting event of 2005 because I can't remember anything else good happening to any of the teams in which I have any interest:
Maryland football: Ick--in the two games I attended live Maryland combined for 10 turnovers or so, and lost both in close battles.Miami football: Georgia Tech???? I watched this game at a bar, and when it became clear that Miami had no chance, I punched the bartender in the face and dragged him through a pile of broken glass.
Maryland basketball: NIT? How sad is it that I have been a student at this school long enough to watch the Terps both win a National Championship and go to the NIT?
Maryland soccer: Hmm. Well I guess we won the National Championship this year... well whatever, who cares about soccer.
DH photo of Shaw
 |
This photo generated more fanmail than any other photo in DH history. (Okay, 1 email) |
Outrageous News Story
I saw this one in like three magazines this year and he was apparently on Last Call with Carson Daly:
Is anything more fearsome than this animal? Click here for the story: Ugliest dog in the world dies.
Most Disappointing Album: Eminem, Encore
To quote a previous Eminem track, "it would be better if you gave me nothing at all; this record is less than nothing." Well said.
**Update: I just realized this album was released in 2004. It is still more disappointing than anything else for which I had high expectations this year, so I am leaving it in. In case I have never said this before, don't kill me please eminem.**
Beverage: For the 1000th time in as many years, BEER
Beer and I have had a great year. It was the first drink I consumed in 2005 (I snuck a sip before the champagne toast), and it will be the last I consume in 2005 as well. That was Yuengling, and as I'll be in Philly for New Year's Eve again, Yuengling will probably get the threepeat. I also discovered the Country Inn, a remotely located bar in the woods of upstate NY with a monumental selection of imports and microbrews from all over the country and world, and made it my business to stop there every time I was home this year. Since it's about 8 miles away from the nearest stoplight, it's a must-drive location, so I have limited my consumption to two per visit; nevertheless I am steadily making checkmarks on my list of stouts consumed. Go Shaw, and go beer.
Holiday Gift
You can have your iPods, XBoxes, books, music, and magazine subscriptions. If you don't give your loved one a Lexus this year, you're a jackass. If you hurry, you can even get a giant bow here.
Those curls were made by hand with giant scissors.
TV Show:
Lost, The OC, and Desperate Housewives have had their share of disappointing and/or stupid plot twists. In the case of The OC, where acting is not really the name of the game, that's the end of the line for me. Tardio hasn't left his house in two months, so distraught has he been over the terrible season. I am done with it.
In good television news, the show of the year was, again, Arrested Development. I know you don't watch that show, which is why it's basically cancelled. Thanks a lot, assholes.
________________________
Next up from Shaw: Tops for 2005, vols. 2-45
________________________
Discuss this and any other column deadlyhippos.com column at our message board.