At every office there are certain categories that people fall under, no matter where you work. They have the same personalities, but different faces. I know this now because I work. I came to the conclusion that I can't be the only person in America with these splooge socks as their co-workers. So here are the people that bother you and me every single day of the week...

The "Damn I Could Have Sworn That Dude Was Gay" Guy

This is the clean cut gentleman with the lisp that when you first saw him you thought was the most stereotypical gay dude you've ever seen. Then you see him slip the tongue to some bad ass chick when she drops him off at work. You then think this dude is either the awesomest guy ever, or he is an incestuous pig.

The "Damn I Could Have Sworn That Dude Was Straight" Guy

Same scenario as above, but you see him hitting on the UPS guy in the break room on Friday and slip him his phone number then cover it up by picking up a sports page and asking the line on this weekends playoff game. You now realize why he took you to all those hockey and football games. It wasn't because he was "a cool ass dude from work", it was because he wanted to get you drunk and shaft you.

The Alpha Negro

The alpha negro hates other new black guys in his area with charisma and people skills because he fears for his spot in the pecking order. Before you got there, he got his pick of all the chicks in the office and was the boss's right hand man. He has all the respect of all the other black dudes in the office and rules over the rest of the races in the office through the use of uncomfortable Stuart Scott-esqe black pop culture behavior that generally makes white people nervous. He usually displays his domination on Casual Friday's when he can wear his chain and walk around with his chest poked out. See "The Program" or "Drumline" for reference material.

The Alpha Caucasian

That's just a wordy way to say "Boss" really...

The Rosie O'Donnell Lesbian

A real ball breaker. All water cooler and locker room talk ceases and desists when she/he/it enters the room. No one really know if she even speaks English or exactly what she does really, but she is a scary individual, even to the Alpha Negro. Speaks only in terse replies when she does talk and would put Cagney and Lacey to shame with her attire.

The Hot Chick

Well, not at my work. That would actually make my work somewhat bearable. I would imagine that this girl toes the line on all dress codes because she is so hot that what boss in their right mind would tell her to stop dressing that way? She is constantly being hit on by the Alpha Negro and is deathly afraid of the Rosie O' Donnell lesbian. She is a self-described "princess" and flirts for attention with every man, has the intelligence of a gnat, speaks in a "cutesy" voice, cocks her head when she talks and flips her hair....need I continue. She probably has a boyfriend or is married but that doesn't stop her from seeking attention from men whenever she can. Drives a cute BMW.

The Asian Person With All the Answers

You don't know what country they are from, or what their job title actually is, but if they ran for President, you would vote for them. There isn't anything they don't know or fix around the office. Most likely a demure MITish person. And for some reason doesn't take compliments very well. They are like the 911 and the 007 of the office.

The "Young Successful Rich Kid Waiting For His Dad to Die" Guy

This dude has everything you need, looks, money, a great pedigree, whatever. He is a cocky retard who thinks he possesses intelligence when in reality he is far from it. He is always talking constantly about cars and flaunting the stupid pictures on his computer. He just has to work until his trust fund kicks in or his dad croaks so he can be set for life. Pretty much a playboy in waiting. And he lets everyone know about it, making it painfully obvious that he doesn't want or really need to be there. You would probably car bomb him except for the fact that when you see him out at the bars he foots the bill and has a sick ass condo with a hot tub that has more women than water in it.

Degenerate Gambler Guy

This guy bets on nearly every sporting event and repeatedly searches you out for your advice if he ever finds out you played college sports. It doesn't matter that he is betting on the Division 2 football playoffs and you have no idea who is going to win between Northern Colorado and North Dakota, he believes you have some sort of magical sporting insight on all athletic endeavors. He is always using the term "juice". Lie to him and tell him you have inside tips on so and so and such and such team. Monday when he returns with broken knees and/or thumbs, say "sike!" and run away laughing.

The Constant Complainer

This co-worker is never happy with anything. He could be having his most productive workday ever, get promoted to Executive VP, yet still the moment he sees you he spends the next 20 minutes complaining about the humidity in the office. You will never get those 20 minutes of your life back. No matter how bad a story you make up, he trumps it with what happened to him last night/this morning/five minutes ago. Hey bro, I don't care. Leave me alone or you'll be complaining about how hard it is to eat through a straw....

The "I Take My Job Way Too Seriously" Guy

This dude is a stickler for details and Post-It notes give him an erection. He's so anal he even looks both ways while crossing over to the next set of cubicles. He takes stats at the company softball and basketball games, and sends them to you spreadsheet style first thing Friday morning. His main hobby is sending around the "It's so-and-so's birthday on Tuesday so I will be collecting $5 from everyone so we can throw them a pizza and cake party, but don't tell them it's a surprise" email. Screw that. Yours was last week and he missed it. I'm taking mine on principle. Fascist.

The Baaastaaan Red Sawx/Pats Fan

They either went on vacation every summer there to visit his grandparents or just recently jumped on the bandwagon, but this dude swears he is Matt and Johnny Damon reincarnated. And he lives no where near Boston. He has that stupid accent that he accentuates because no one else has it. "Hey Deeeejay, this is a wicked cuppa caaaafey, huh?" Yeah, it'd be more wicked if I stretched your eyelids out and used them as the filter next time. Or I play jump rope with your entrails. Shut up and leave me alone imbecile.

The "I Can't Believe That Chair Hasn't Broken Into 1,000 Pieces Yet" Person

Every time they sit down the pneumatic spring in the chair sounds like a city bus opening its doors. The whole office breathes a collective sigh of relief and disappointment whenever ass meets seat. This person is so huge you really actually feel sorry for them because every bad smell any where remotely near the city block they occupy will be blamed on them. Then you just laugh because the word "obese" is just funny to say in your head. Obese.....hahahaha.....

These are just a few of the people that prey on your senses at your daily quest doing backflips for The Man. But hey, at least it gives you something to talk about besides sports when you get home. I am sure I have left some of them out. Please let me know if I did by posting them on our message board, or just hit us up through gmail. Speaking of gmail, I would like to give a shout out to loyal DH reader Ewing, who hits us up frequently. Until next time, keep on keepin' on....

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