I am writing you on behalf of LA Clippers fans, NBA fans, regular basketball fans, and everyone who claims the use of their eyesight... in fact, I am writing on behalf of the entire human race. Please Chris, for the love of God, please cut your hair. This is getting ridiculous. Here's the thing Chris. We all know. I'm sorry. But we all can tell. You are going bald. At some point you are going to have to accept this. And it will be OK.

Now, I'm sure you have a lot of people around you who say, "Sure your hair looks cool Chris. No way... you aren't going bald at all man!" These people are lying to you Chris. You probably support them financially, or they just want to keep hanging out with you because you might be able to get them on the guest list for Alyssa Milano's "Melrose Place" reunion party. And I can't blame them.

But you can trust me Chris. Why you ask? Because I don't know you and I don't like you. So I don't care if you get upset when I tell you that you are shedding hair faster than a golden retriever in a Phoenix summer. You need to know. And you need to deal with it. It is always wrong to fight the baldness Chris.... always. From the comb-over to Brian Cardinal, there are thousands of examples of what is wrong with fighting the inevitable.

You need to embrace the baldness. You are wasting the gift given to you by your basketball forefathers. Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, Clyde Drexler... they didn't shave their heads because they thought it was cool. They shaved their heads because they were going bald. And so are you. They accepted this fact and embraced it, shaving off the rest of their rapidly depleting follicles and creating an accepted and even attractive style for balding men. They made it cool to be bald. They did this for you Chris. People still shave their plush heads to this day as a result of these champions of the folliclely challenged. This is a gift Chris. A gift given to you by God himself (Michael Jordan) and you are wasting it!

To thy balding followers, MJ granted unto thee the gift of coolness.

I know what you're going through Chris. You see, I also suffer from a rapidly retreating hairline. You may not remember me. After all, you were just a poor little sophomore at a lowly mid-major school, when I was a senior at the University of Colorado dropping in points at an astonishing nearly 4 ppg clip. So you may know who I am... but probably not. But a few years after I left college I realized my forthcoming follicle doom. I knew there was no fighting the genetically pre-destined future I had before me... so I took my future into my own hands, by way of a razor, and I have never looked back. It's time for you to do the same thing Kam-ster.

Even if we all played along with you and pretended that you actually weren't going bald, I am still begging you to cut your hair. There is no way you can think that you look cool. Your hairstyle is making you look like a gigantic, uglier David Spade. Only you're not funny so you probably don't get as many chicks as he does. Is this the image you are trying to emanate Chris? A mutated David Spade? I don't think so Chris. It's time Chris, I'll send you some Wahl hair clippers in the mail post haste.

Actually.... you know what Chris? Don't cut your hair. I don't want you to do it. I don't know what I was thinking. Watching you play is one of the most entertaining things in the NBA right now. This must be what it was like watching Kurt Rambis in the 80's or Bill Walton in the 70's. Your gloriously disgusting, depleting sickly locks flapping around the court are absolutely incredible. I say you fight it to the last strand of hair. Even when you're down to a dozen entrenched soldiers, still fighting to hang on to that huge melon of yours, I hope those few hairs can touch your ass cheeks.

God bless you Chris Kaman.

Sincerely,

JT

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