Some people react to the end of football seasons better than others. For instance Hunter S. Thompson was such a huge fan of the NFL that he would fall into a deep depression and contemplate suicide immediately after the Super Bowl.  In an effort to ease the pain of the loss of college football (and not spend the next month writing columns about USC and Texas’s looming showdown), I’ve decided to transfer the game diary concept from college football to MTV’s The Gaunlet II. At first blush, I know many of you are wondering why I made such an extreme jump, and the answer is quite simple, it’s all about healing.

See, if you break up (or get broken up) with a great love, you immediately seek solace by rebounding with whomever and whatever comes into your path, oftentimes choosing the welcoming arms of someone who vaguely resembles your formerly enamored companion (like the NFL or the NBA). While somewhat enjoyable, these rebound experiences always lead to drunken phone calls at three a.m. from just outside the rebound’s apartment during which conversation you say a thousand times over how much you miss your former love. Usually these conversations do not go well. Sometimes they even end in restraining orders. Even worse, sometimes they end in reconciliation and children.

I don’t want to be that guy who’s calling Phil Fulmer or Mack Brown or Pete Carroll or Nick Lachey at three a.m. sobbing about the end of college football season. Plus, Phil Fulmer knows my caller i.d. now so last season I had to start calling his personal assistant, Gerald Harrison, and that was wholly unsatisfying. Gerald Harrison’s words just don’t have the same soothing balm to a lost college football soul that Phil Fulmer’s do.

Plus, my wife Lara recently told me that Stephen from Real World Las Vegas is a much better athlete than I am and that she would rather have him on her Gauntlet team. I mean, Stephen from Las Vegas works out using Nautilus machines and has dyed tips in his hair. Dyed tips.

Steven to Clay: “I will break you.”

So without further ado, here goes:

1. We begin the Gauntlet II with a very rapid fly-by over a Caribbean island and beach. At least I think it was a Caribbean island. I’m embarrassed to say that despite having spent over a year and a half on a Caribbean island, I still have no knowledge of island geography.

2. Opening credits feature everyone emerging from the water without actually being wet. This appears very clever and I never thought I would write this sentence, but I think Jesus might be jealous of Beth from Real World Los Angeles. Or this sentence: At the very least, Jesus and Beth from Real World Los Angeles have both interacted with water without getting wet. Immediately, I feel like crying because neither Stephen from Las Vegas nor his dyed tips are in attendance.

                      

Beth from the Real World	Jesus from Heaven

3. It’s unbelievable how fast these quotes and shots are. You know how you hear about how fast MTV shows move, well, you never really notice until you try to take notes on things. This is a thirty second attempt to record everything that happened: shot of Beth, shot of MJ, water and horizon, interview with someone, people are wrestling, water splashing, people on shoreline, words spilling out constantly music, interview, Cameran…I’m lost and sick.

4. Ok, so the two teams in this competition are the Veterans and the Rookies. The Veterans are old and the rookies are old but younger than the veterans.

5. Landon from Real World Philadelphia opens up the trash-talking by saying, the veterans “should be worried about breaking hips.” Which is interesting because I think Timmy from Road Rules II already has a new hip and everybody knows that new hips are even better than original hips.  I know this because Timmy was also the first person still known as Timmy to have ever broken a hip.

Timmy clutched this cigar between his teeth while they reset his hip.

6. The one thing this series needs is bulletin board material. Like the Veterans should have quotes up from the Rookies and vice versa. Then each team should be interviewed about the significance of these statements and how they’ll impact the outcome of the Gauntlet. Basically what this series needs is Cameran from San Diego analyzing the significance of trash talk.

If there were any justice in the world, Cameran would replace Linda Cohn on Sportscenter.

7. The host (referee) of this drama is TJ Lavin. There are approximately four people in the world who legitimately know who TJ Lavin is yet somehow Adam from Real World Paris is one of the four. Per Adam, TJ Lavin is “one of the greatest dirt jumpers ever.” Do you think someone fed him this information, or did he actually know this?

The host.

8. There are sixteen “contestants” on both the Rookies and the Survivors teams. Rather than list them all, go here to read the bios of your favorites. The most interesting fact is that Ruthie from Real World Hawaii recently ran for the United States Senate…ok, not really. But don’t get excited about reading the profiles of each cast member as for some reason this feature was not working when I tried to read them. 

9. All thirty-two take a bus ride into the midst of a Caribbean jungle on a tiny dirt road before emerging on a beach beside a floating platform. Why it was at all necessary for this particular road to the middle of nowhere to be chosen is never explicated. I suspect it was entirely planned for the purpose of a camera shot showing Mark from Road Rules I blown away by the trip into the jungle. Incidentally I think this was the same look Mark adopted when he found out Kit from Road Rules I was now a legitimate journalist on Cold Pizza.

10. So the first contest involves the platform in the midst of nowhere. At this point, this was my thought pattern, road to nowhere, floating platform in midst of nowhere nowhere, Caribbean island, MTV= cock fighting.

This guy’s chance at glory was completely lost.

11. Unfortunately there was no cock fighting, instead the first contest of the Gauntlet II is the “Royal Rumble” to determine who the captains of the respective teams will be. Is this even allowed to be called the Royal Rumble? Didn’t someone at the WWE copyright the phrase Royal Rumble? I know the WWE (nee WWF) began this trend because I begged my dad to purchase the first ever Royal Rumble back in 1988 which Hacksaw Jim Duggan won after he beat Mr. Perfect even though Mr. Perfect had drawn the perfect number. Incidentally, if you are interested in Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s wrestling career (and who isn’t) you absolutely have to read this. My favorite part is when Hacksaw is relegated to janitor…until he finds the belt in the trash can and begins to defend it.

A hefty Hacksaw greets an equally hefty fan. Later the fan pinned him in the dying days of his career.

12. Alton manages to win the Royal Rumble for the Rookie men in the process defeating former Vanderbilt All-SEC receiver MJ Garrett. I think Vanderbilt just retroactively revoked his football scholarship. Wasn’t Alton already on one of these anyway? I’m both somewhat embarrassed and somewhat proud that I have some vague recollection of this.

Incidentally, Tardio and I spent five years wishing we could buy stock in MJ Garrett as we saw him out at every bar in Nashville at least fifty times during our respective Vandy careers.

13. The Veteran guys choose to go with rock, paper, scissors rather than tiring themselves out to decide their captain. In the NBA rock, paper, scissors is known as the fade-away jumper. Oh those wily veterans. Adam wins.

Somewhere a midget executes a perfect Rec-league fade-away.

14. Robin says the rookie girls are “a bunch of little prisses” for also playing rock, paper, scissors to determine their winner. Things are starting to get nasty and Robin is living up to her billing as the toughest-talking girl with spectacular breasts on reality television. The Gauntlet II gauntlet has officially been laid down. Ok, this sentence doesn’t work so well. Jo wins for the rookies. I have no idea who Jo is.

15. Ruthie is always the ringer on these shows and of course she wins a final wrestling battle among the veterans with Aneesa (the other lesbian) and Julie (the only Mormon). Rumor has it that Salt Lake City workers will drink caffeine in a feverish protest over Julie’s forehead being gashed but no penalty being assessed.

16. Oh, but there’s a wrinkle about the captaincy, the losing captain each week of either the guys or girls will be entering the gauntlet to go against an opponent of the other team’s choosing. This is simple enough, right? It’s not like someone has to compare and contrast Finnegann’s Wake with Ulysses while not using any prepositions. Let’s get on with the contest.

Perhaps James Joyce could have explained the rules better.

17. But, of course, nothing is ever simple enough for MTV. First, we have to get a reaction from Alton: “That right there is gnarly.” With this comment Alton becomes the first black person to ever use the word gnarly so I suppose this has some form of historical relevance. But then MTV spends the next six minutes having about thirteen different interviews to explain how these rules apply. Alton describes this process as a “purification by fire” and then Landon analyzes the probability of captaincy success. What does it say about this group of people that Landon and Alton are considered the most capable of explaining this rule? I was kind of hoping MTV would cut back to TJ Lavin and he would just be shaking his head and say, “Dude, I’m a professional dirt-bike rider and even I get it.”

18. Ok, yay, now that we know the captaincy rules it is time for a birthday party. Mark is turning “thirtyish.” I think he means forty-one.

Mark could do push-ups before he turned forty.

19. But not everyone is comfortable with the party atmosphere. Jo calls her dad: “There’s so many other aspects of life aside from sex and competition,” she says. If this is true, I might as well turn in now. Then Jo starts to throw a fit while trying to pack her bags because she wants to leave. But she’s the captain! Somehow, I feel this is what sharing a training camp dorm room with Terrell Owens must have been like for Donovan McNabb last year when everything was hunky-dory between the two. How many times did McNabb have to convince TO not to leave training camp? TO absolutely has to be on Gauntlet III. Actually, he should host Gauntlet III.

20. My favorite part of the first week: Julie writing in her bed during the party. Seriously, what are these people writing in their bedrooms that is so important it has to be written during the taping of the Gauntlet II? “Dear Diary, today Aneesa called me a bad word and I wanted a Coke so bad. Also I look rad in Capri pants with strawberry shortcake socks and converse.” How long does this take to write?

Part of the ensemble Julie looks rad in.

21. Check back next week for the first elimination. I can’t wait. If you’re a little uncertain on the rules email Terrell Owens, he needs the practice. If you didn’t watch the first Gauntlet episode, you’re in luck since MTV will be airing this who approximately 432 times this week. The second episode airs Monday. I can’t wait. Jo wants to leave and threatens, “I will sue this island.” These are usually the kind of cases I end up with, Jo v. Caribbean Island is a real winner.

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