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DH guide to surviving a real Eurotrip
12/01/05
by DJ
Iberia #6843 leaving Barcelona @ 9:10 PM to Madrid
Iberia f#3752 leaving Madrid @11:20PM arriving Tel-Aviv 4:55 AM
16 HOUR LAYOVER
El Al Flight Y0105 leaving Tel-Aviv 12:30AM
Pit stop in Toronto for refuel and transit @ 5:30 AM
Arrive LAX @ 10:30AM
In the movie, they were riding in a train and looked quite comfy and enthused. My train, not so much. It was ridiculous how they expect anyone over 5'3" to be remotely comfortable, even in the private cars. And it was late. Whenever you see an arrival or departure time in Spain, just insert "We are lazy as shit, but we should get there about (insert time here)". Even trains take siestas. At the airport. Iberia Airlines is the worst airline ever. They charge you approximately one pint of blood per kilo your luggage is overweight. They had the audacity to try and charge me 582 USD. I promptly took my bag full of dirty laundry (the whites) (1) and bundled it up neatly...then flung it into the parking garage of Barcelona International Airport in a fit of rage. They weren't getting a penny of my money. What's mine is mine.(2) If you'll notice there is a slight layover in the Tel-Aviv airport, which is an awesome airport...but not for 16 hours....alone. In the movie, there were no layovers, which is pretty much impossible given what they did. But why would a movie have a layover scene anyways? Because they are boring. Especially for that long. But one thought came to mind: Why aren't strip clubs in airports as well? The person who implements this idea will be rich beyond his wildest dreams. After my layover, my flight home was awesome. El Al airlines is great, as I referenced in my previous article Israel in a Nutshell. But during my hellish trip, I aggrandized several rules in order to make your next Eurotrip a grand endeavor indeed, and without spending too much money.
On the train:
1. You are screwed. Leave at least 5-6 hours before your flight.
On the airplane:
1. Listen to the airplane music. Save your batteries for a hellish layover
or unexpected emergency. The play lists aren't too bad. And batteries cost one
testicle apiece in European airports.
2. Watch the movies, obviously. They are free, kind of. Watching "Must Like
Dogs" is excusable when 30,000 feet above the Atlantic. And they will stop annoying
people from talking to you. But it's more bearable when you.....
3. Drink white wine. It's free. And it will help you through the bad movies,
and put you to sleep during a layover. Plus white wine isn't considered "hard"
so they will keep giving you bottle after bottle because it's less popular than
red wine so there is more available. Go supply and demand!!! Also, red wine
stains your lips, making you look like an ass. But DO NOT GET CUT OFF. Compose
yourself and space them out. Don't ring the stewardess incessantly. Women are
more likely to cut you off than men stewardess (take my word). I have no idea
why. If you feel really drunk....
4. Eat two meals. After they have gathered up all the trays and it's all calm,
wait another 30 minutes. If you are close to the back, just get up and ask to
save them work. They don't care as long as they have eaten. Plus you can piss
while you are up.
5. Ask for a non middle seat, preferably an aisle. This is so if you do go to
sleep the food cart will bump you and wake you up so you don't miss a meal.
6. Take some moist towelettes, the free airline magazine, the pillow, and the
blanket. They will come in handy during a layover.
During a layover:
1. Get an FHM or MAXIM magazine. Just do it.
2. Try and check your luggage ASAP to rid yourself of extra weight, and to make
sure you don't miss your flight after waiting all that time like a dumbass by
falling asleep. Try and negotiate an exit row. Let's be real, if it's going
down, you might as well have well stretched legs in purgatory. Make sure your
toiletries and an extra T-Shirt are in your carry-on. And by now at this point
in your life you should own a watch. Adjust it please.
3. Situate yourself in the closest proximity to as many of these as possible:
bar, your gate (if you can check in), water fountain, duty free shop, and payphone.
Make sure you walk around some to avoid swelling in your ankles, but don't lose
your seat, as it is probably better than 40 acres and a mule at this point.
And drink a lot of water, as your pee is now the color and consistency of a
yellow crayon.
4. At a bar, try and make friends. No one is too good to talk to you at an airport
bar, preferably some people around your age and English speaking. Common ground
is the key. This is where the magazine comes into play; break the ice and offer
it to them (after you've read it of course). You might even get a free beer
out of it and some convo. Hell, if you're lucky it might be a chick on your
flight and you might get her number. If not, it's one less thing you have to
keep up with, and you are still at a bar. But beware the prices....
5. Although it's illegal, get some cheap duty free booze and go to the bathroom
and take some shots in between drinks at the bar. It'll make it seem like it's
worth it. But don't be too drunk, because despite the movie Terminal, it is
not cool to live in an airport.
6. Here is a suggestion from DH writer JT: "A fun game during long layovers
at foreign airports (as you know I am also an international man of mystery)
is to make up a persona... go all out, possibly employ an accent. Then speak
to everyone you meet at the bar as your newfound persona. The odds of seeing
these people again are about the same as winning power-ball... twice... in the
same month... so you might as well have some fun with them. I sometimes pretend
I'm Joe Pesci in Goodfellas. I tell loud, outlandish stories that the whole
bar can hear often related to sexual conquests or whacking people. This same
game can also be played at strip clubs or in Las Vegas, and should always be
played at a strip club in Las Vegas."
There you have it. If you follow these DH Guidelines and not fall into the the fantasy world that is Eurotrip, you should make it with out too much stress on yourself, or strain on your wallet. If you have any more suggestions that have been left out, feel free to post them on the message board, or hit us up through gmail.
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(1) Walter Sobchak, The Big Lebowski (2) Walter Sobchak, The Big Lebowski
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