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Trading Places: George W. Bush and Mack Brown
12/05/05
by Clay

If George W. Bush and University of Texas coach Mack Brown switched places, would anyone really notice? Seriously. These two men are doppelgangers for one another.

I used to think that George W. Bush came to embody every Texas cliché (the strutting walk, fondness for belt buckles, jeans, boots, irrational affinity for cutting things down and carrying them around in the back of your truck, ability to wear a cowboy hat and for any occasion, outlandish and excessive uses of fixin’ and ya’ll, and immediately questioning any man you meet about what his bench press is) to get elected governor of Texas, but the more I think about it, the more I think he’s angling for a more important job in Texas -- Longhorns football coach. Ultimately, George W. Bush’s fondest dream isn’t to become a renowned president, it’s to replace Mack Brown on the sidelines without anyone noticing.

Remember in the movie Dave how that guy who bears an eerie resemblance to the actual president becomes a stand-in president and everyone loves him? Well George W. Bush is president, and I think he wants to become the stand-in Texas football coach.

Mack Brown is Texas’ football coach, but do you really think he’d mind being president for just a little while? Everyone talks about how George W. Bush’s rise to prominence began when he found Jesus and stopped drinking. This makes a good story and all, but how about the truth finally coming out?

George W. Bush actually cleaned up his act because Mack Brown was a fairly stand-up guy. See, you can’t replace a different person in important public jobs without being the spitting image of the other both in looks and personality. Otherwise, you end up with the same problem that arose in Dave, namely one person is much better at the job than the other and the public starts to take note of the difference.

Can you tell them apart?

For instance, if George W. Bush showed up in a starched preppy shirt and bowtie and talked about his summer home in Kennebunkport, no one in Texas would trust him when he went for it on fourth down in his own territory. Similarly, if Mack Brown stood up and said something like, “Strategy is important,” instead of “Strategery important is,” there would be many a knowing nod in media circles. As is, these guys have become one person and everyone but me is none the wiser.

Right now, some of you are doubtless shaking your heads (anyone who believes the Republic of Texas is an independent country is yelling for his wives to come into the room and read the gospel truth) and wondering at my fantastic use of hyperbole.

Speaking of high, maybe you need to read what former Texas running back Ricky Williams said about George W. Bush: “Sometimes he (Bush) would work out in our weight room. I had a chance to talk to him a couple of times. I was lifting, he was just riding a bike. I think he’s a nice person.”

George W. Bush in the Texas athlete’s weight room? Bush is like the living incarnation of that guy from the NFL commercials who buries himself in the sweaty athletic gear to be close to his team. How bad does Bush want to coach Texas? He was angling for the job way back when Ricky Williams was passing drug tests. Now that he’s not passing them, do you think Ricky Williams could tell the difference between Mack Brown and George W. Bush? Exactly.

I know, I know, some of you security freaks are pointing out the clear flaw in my switcheroo. The president is under constant surveillance and there’s no way such a switch could possibly be effective. Clearly you folks aren’t diabolical enough.

Follow me along this primrose path of deception: 1. Texas is going to play for the national championship 2. The national champion visits the White House along with the coach of the national champion. (By the by, I am guaranteeing that Texas will beat USC. Let’s just call it a hunch). 3. The coach of the national champion leaves and the president stays behind.

What’s worse, President Bush/coach Brown-to-be has already told us exactly what he has planned by calling Mack Brown immediately after last year’s Rose Bowl win and stating that he was looking forward to welcoming Mack and the team to the White House. That sound you just heard was a thousand jaws dropping in the West Wing. Yep, it’s all so clear.

Finally, these guys have had us all swindled from the very start.

At a Texas basketball game right after he was hired, Mack Brown sat next to then-Governor Bush and asked for advice before he addressed the Texas faithful.

Take it away Mack: “I told him in a few minutes they’re going to ask me to talk to these 16,000 fans. Can you give me any tips? He (Bush) told me: ‘Tell them how excited you are to be the new football coach and make sure you finish it with, and in a loud voice ... in the great state of Texas.’”

It’s just overwhelming how duplicitous these two men have become. So come early Sept. 2006, when Texas takes the field against North Texas in their season opener and you feel like something is just not quite right about the mannerisms on the sideline or the decision-making in key situations, remember who warned you about Mack Brown and George W. Bush changing places deep in the heart of Texas.

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