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UMBROS: Bring 'em Back
8/8/05
by DJ

If you could go back in time and bring back one thing, what would it be? Some people say the Beatles, some say romance. An equally sappy person may even say chivalry. I say Umbros. Yes,you remember them. Mine were royal blue. They were the penultimate short ever created, and for that matter, maybe the single awesomest short ever; the grandfather of the cargo short. They featured simple colors and design. Perfection at its finest. Now, only soccer players and Mexicans can wear them (or both), lest ye be beaten.

Many moons ago I wrote an article about how at lunchtime in high school we played football game and our team was called the Umbros. If Umbros were a car, they'd be a Hummer, multipurposed and indestructable. If they were edible, they would be the world's greatest chocolate. If they were a chick, they'd be Jaime Presley. That made no sense but she is so hot I just had to throw her in there somewhere.

Umbros can be worn for anything under the sun save a funeral, wedding, or being sworn into office, although you really only see the upper half of those guys when they are at the podium. It would be remiss for me to point out the fact that I fervently believe either Trey Wingo or Scott Van Pelt wear umbros during their Sportscenter broadcasts.

The single most important asset of Umbros are the sheer fact that they can be used for swimtrunks, saving money and crucial "change time." When you are 16 convincing girls they should get into tepid, dirty pool water, bounce around and frolic with you half naked is hard enough. Every second you can save them from saying no counts. Those crucial pool moments are what make awkward adolescence bearable. Umbros, I thank you.

Clay and I have on more than one occasion gone directly to our friends pool fresh from soccer practice (I am poking the Slate-Dogg express out of my mind's eye as we speak). The Umbros were so thin, that pool water constituted as both a bath and washing of the shorts. Even when worn commado, they didn't frame your cock or show off your helmut even when wet, which was paramount to my high school days due to the fact I WAS severely underdeveloped. I will let you look at Clay's picture and let that speak for itself. Umbros were my social crutch, my confidence builder. Whatever material they are made of is the most perfect substance ever created. It's like a cross between a seatbelt and silk. In a pinch when late for school, all it took was a t-shirt and and sandals to complete the ensemble. My royal blue umbros were the one indispensable piece of my wardrobe and crystallized many of the best memories of my high school experience.

But as I laud the praises of this edenistic apparel, I must tell you the downfalls of them. For one, if they have any sort of tear of any kind, any loose thread, you have aproximately three weeks before the ass will tear out, rendering the back pocket useless, but making them look like you just slide taclked Ronaldino. At this time, the old pair may only be used in practice, never in public. Also, they fade somehow, probably now that i think about it, from hanging them up in the sun for the 7 minutes needed to bring a soaking pair to a crispy finish. But when faded, they turn into undershorts, or "draws," as we call them. Umbro draws are spectacular and unlike mesh, they won't itch your ass when you sit in them for a long time at a desk. But these two downfalls are just casualties of war. The absolute worst thing about Umbros, and probably why they fell out of style (I'm 100% sure), are the fact that they offer no protection from every high school males worst nightmare, the dreaded random-boner-from-daydreaming-about-so-and-so-2-minutes-before-the-bell-rings. I have only been caught once. I remember the time. I had to pull the old reverse backpack trick. No es beuno. Unless you wore tightie whities, then there was no guarantees this wouldn't befall you. Boxers, while en vogue, were quite futile in this prevention. Nevertheless, Umbros need to make a comeback into the social scene. Now that random boners have no place in my married life, I might bring them back. Yes, a 6'7" black dude wearing Umbros and sandals in public. The times my friends, they are a changin'....

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