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The Return of Rants, Raves, and Ruminations
8/26/05
by DJ

In this, my latest installment, I focus on the entertainment industry, mainly music. I like any and all music. As long as I can nod my head to it or it doesn't completely suck, I can listen to anything. While being on literary sabbatical to practice with NBA'ers and wanna-be NBA'ers, I realized two things: 1. Music, does in fact, make the world go 'round. 2. Why is Sacramento the capital of California? The entire city is full of people who can't speak english. You can't have a town that can't speak english lead other people that can't speak english. It's like the Tower of Babel in the Old Testament (Bible reference, look it up). Step it up California.... Boy, am I going to be in trouble...Without further ado......

Rants:

1. The pure, unadulterated, squalid heat in Sacramento. The shade is OK, but when I leave my cozy bungalow to venture out into the world, as soon as you hit the sunshine, it's ridiculous. It feels like the sun is sitting on your shoulder like a squawking parrot. And there is no respite, not even AC. When you get into a car the first 7 minutes are spent in absolute hell. I swear I've seen bealzibub himself tanning by my pool, and he was fanning himself. It was over 100 for weeks in a row. I look like Wesley Snipes now....

2. MTV. How weak has this network been this season? They have Laguna Beach, which is absolutley terrible. It's like a mixture of "The Blair Witch Project" cinematography and the OC. The so-called actors are lame and bland, and none of them actually look good. I tried hard not to lobotomize myself with an acorn while they struggled through their Dr. Seuss-like lines. Oh, and might I add Laguna Beach is NOTHING like that show. Then we have Trailer Fabulous. They renovate trailer park double-wides into "dream homes." The tall gay dude (the most obviously gay one anyway) looks like a gay, bullemic, redneck teen wolf. He has handle bars and a mullet and everything. I could not make this up. It's like Pimp my Shack. And let's not even mention The Andy Melanakis Show. If it wasn't for the MTV Movie and Music Awards, which are awesome, this channel would now be obsolete.

Raves:

1. Young Jeezy. He is the new old Master P, because the new Master P thoroughly sucks. Every kid had Master P when I was growing up in the Dirty South (yes, even Clay). Every kid should have this one too. His ad libs are perfect and his rhymes and beats are sick in his latest album "Let's Get It: Thug Motivation 101." The bass on some of these tracks shook my front windshield. They call him the Snowman, presumably for his fondness for 'slingin' dat white', but whatever you call him, call him good.

2. The Rise of the South. No, not slavery. Music. Aside from The Game, 50 Cent, Green Day, and to a lesser extent Eminem and Snoop Dogg, there has been absolutely nothing released worth buying (or even downloading) in the past 6 months that wasn't souther. It's been pure southern fried beats and sizzlin country twangin' in my stereo. The aforementioned Young Jeezy, Mike Jones, T.I., Young Buck, David Banner, and the Ying-Yang Twinz just to name a few have had incredible record sales and good albums to boot. On the country side of things, Toby Keith and Brad Paisley have kept it together, with some Alan Jackson thrown in. I attribute this to two things: 1. the South has no desire to uphold any type of image like the West or East Coasts. There is a reason why they call it Dirty. We don't really care about anything except having fun and partying, and that's what these songs are about. No Bentleys and bank accounts, just bar fights (Toby Keith), a redneck lolapalooza (Brad Paisely), hot chicks dancing around scantily clad whilst making their booties clap (see rappers above). In short, they all talk about something everyone can relate to or at least wishes they could and. 2. The retiring of Jay-Z and the now defunct Blink 182. You always had release dates to look forward to with these guys. Now above that Mason Dixon line and west of the Mississippi, there is nothing.

3.Tommy Lee. In his new reality series Tommy Lee Goes to College (to be covered next week), he enrolls at the U of Nebraska, one of my college foes. He tries out for the band, has a smokin' tutor, and a roommate. Surprisingly this show is good, and even more surprisingly, his new CD "Tommyland: The Ride" does not suck. Is he making a comeback? Probably not or MTV would have picked it up, but he's going out with a fight....

Ruminations:

1. Remember that tool Michael Fay, who got caned for spray painting some cars in Singapore in 1994? I just remember thinking "If that was a black dude they would have shot him. Or he would want to be shot because the beating he would get when he got home would have been worse from his parents." His ass split open like a busted orange. He blacked out at one point. I remember me and Clay laughing about that...

2.Courtney Love's cocaine. Wow. That's all I can say. How sad can you get? It's like her and Whitney are in a race to be the biggest crackhoes on the planet. Well CL, you are winning. By a lot (which is truly saying something considering that Whitney Houston hasn't exactly been a saint of late). Maybe more rehab will help.

This is the fourth installment of DJ's Rants, Raves, and Ruminations. See RRR, RRR2, and RRR3.

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