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Racist dogs (and a cure for racism)
8/24/05
by Clay
In my short life I have known many more racist dogs than racist people. The most racist dog I have ever known was my friend Doug's dog Penny. Doug lived alone with his mom and Penny the daschound. Doug was white and so was his mother. Penny was brown with white spots and brown spots and black spots. In all respects, therefore, she was a dog of many colors. This did not stop her from disliking black people. Every time she saw a black person she would howl and retreat. In these respects she resembled an old white woman when in an elevator with a young black male. Penny never barked at any white person. Ever.
Once a strange white man walked into the front yard and stole Doug's grill. His mother, Pam, ran to the door accompanied by Penny. Pam yelled,
"Hey, that's my grill."
The white man paused and turned to look at her.
"I know," he said.
Penny charged outside and proceeded to lick the side of the man's shoes. The grill disappeared and Penny was none the wiser.
Now, a friend of mine lives across the street from Pacman Jones in Nashville. For the uninitiated or disinterested Pacman Jones is the Tennessee Titans first round draft choice for the 2005 draft. He is a twenty-one year old black male with a gold tooth, dreads. and according to my friend is a very friendly guy who is prone to prolonged watering of the shrubs and bushes in his front yard. My friend also has a dog named Jack who is wild and rambunctious. Jack is a friendly sort who is fond of playing catch, chasing squirrels, and lying in the sun. Jack, the dog, is also racist. Lately every time he see Pacman or Pacman's black friends he goes crazy barking up a storm and racing around the front yard. This makes my friend a bit uncomfortable. In popular parlance a dog is man's best friend. But perhaps more accurately, a dog should be considered a white man's best friend.
In an effort to understand exactly what causes dogs to be racist, I undertook a rigorous scientific survey consisting of typing "racist dogs" into google. The best result was an article about a racist pit bull. According to the article some dogs in Jamaica have been trained to chase black people off the beach while leaving alone white people. In South Africa the apartheid government actually trained racist dogs called Boerbuls by cross-breeding Rottweilers, Dobermans, bloodhounds, German shepherds, and even wolves. But afer all this, the root cause of dog racism seems to be rooted in unfamiliarity.
We learn at an early age that you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Where this saying comes from, I have no idea. But like many cliches, I suspect the glimmer of truth it once held has been dulled by the number of idiots who repeat it. So even though Penny was an old dog we set about teaching Penny a new trick, to love minorities. We did this in the same way the United States Government has convinced minorities it loves them, namely by giving them treats.
And ultimately this is how DJ turned Penny the racist dog into Penny the dog: He petted him and gave him food. Soon they were friends. Similarly, if he were so inclined Pacman Jones could make Jack the racist dog just Jack the dog. Moreover, since we are all animals I believe this may be the best way to end racism in the world. And as a bonus it only requires three steps.
1. Have a black. asian. or hispanic person pet a white person.
2. Have a black, asian or hispanic person feed a white person.
3. Racism will die.a
[a.] Some of our smartest readers right now are pointing out the clearest flaw...what about mixed race people? Touche, the answer is quite simple, people who are half-white only have to pet or feed a white person. People who are mixed but wholly not white have to both feed and pet a white person.
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