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Predator: a real man's movie
8/11/05
by JT

It was Saturday night and I was planning on going out for the evening. The bars of LoDo in Denver were calling me and I was ready. But I was sidetracked. I turned off the PS2 and turned on the TV to see that the movie Predator was starting in a few minutes. (Recently the Starz channel has started playing the movie, which means that it will be shown approximately 6 times per day for the next month). I remembered enjoying the movie as both a child and teenager and decided to skip the bars, crack open a case of Sam Adams and watch this peice of cinematic glory. I had forgotten both the political ramifications of Predator, and the fact that it is single handedly the greatest collection of male machismo ever put to film.

From its opening scene, Predator is a non-stop barrage of male bad-ass. First of all, it is strangely PC in that it includes a bad-ass representative from a plethera of different races. There is Arnold Schwartzenneger, representing the Austrian-American bad-ass sector. The character "Billy" who is a Native American ass-kicker and stereotype (he can sense when things aren't right with the nature surrounding him). There is "Pancho" who takes care of the Latino contingent. Blain (played by Jesse "The Body" Ventura) is their to rep the rural midwestern bad-asses. The black delegation is taken care of by "Dillon" who was Appollo Creed in the Rocky movies and represents the "uncle Tom" sanction of Black America, and "Mac" who is the black guy with more street cred.

In the first scene we see Arnold meeting with a General who is going over the mission. When Arnold asks, "So why us?" a voice can be heard in the background....
"Because some damn fool accused you of being the best."
"Dillon! You son of a bitch!"
(they then clasp hands in greeting in a mid-five armrestling type of hold. Close up on bulging biceps as the greeting turns into an actual armwrestling match)
"Whats the matter Dillon? The CIA got you pushing too many pan-cils?" says Arnold before coming out the victor.
Proper jungle attire

And we are off! What follows is nearly 2 hours of unadulterated man-ness. Those in the movie with large enough arms travel the jungle wearing strictly vests, sans undershirts. This allows for several dozen close-ups of massively ripped arms holding equally large automatic weapons. In fact, such is the strength of Appolo Creed that even when his arm is dislodged completely from his body by the alien laser, through brute strength and pure man fortitude his detatched arm holds steady its grip upon his AK-47 and the finger continues to pull the trigger.

Even the ending of the movie could not be more manly. With Arnold challenging the Predator, which bears a frightening resemblence to Latrell Sprewell of the Minnesota Timberwolves, to a fist fight. Eventually pummeling the alien with a giant tree trunk and then avoiding a nuclear blast by sprinting to the nearest log and spryling leaping to safety behind it.

There are dozens of lines in the movie so thuroughly manly that it makes you want to get up off the couch, walk accross the street and start a fight with your neighbor. Some classics:

Billy: The only way outta here is that valley that leads to the east. But I wouldn't wish that on a broke-dick dog.

Mac: You're ghostin' us, motherf***er. I don't care who you are back in the world, you give away our position one more time, I'll bleed ya, real quiet. Leave ya here. Got that?

Pancho: You're bleeding, man.
Jesse The Body: I ain't got time to bleed.

Arnold (after stapling a man to a wall with a bowie knife through the chest): Stick around

I took personal gratification in the fact that not one but two future governors starred in this movie. With Arnold currently at the reigns of the state of California, and Jesse The Body the former leader of Minnesota this movie had more governors acting in it than any alien action movie ever.

Let's take a tally -

Movie
# of Governors
Alien
0
Aliens
0
Species
0
War of the Worlds
0
Predator
2
Independence Day
0
Starship Troopers
0
Total Recall
1

Plus how many citizens have a governor who once said the following line after offering a healthy chaw to his companions?
"Just a bunch of slack-jawed faggots around here, this stuff will turn you into a god-damn sexual Tyrannasaurus.... Just like me"

If you live in Minnesota you can answer in the affirmative.

How many in this country can claim that their Governor has saved the planet from both alien invasion and time travelling murderous robots? Californians can.

Perhaps one day all our states will be run by action movie stars and professional wrestlers. Then the terrorists wouldn't stand a chance.

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