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Napoleon Dynamite meets the Tennessee Bar Exam
8/01/05
by Clay

Before I took the Tennessee Bar Exam, (motto, "Yes, there are lawyers in Tennessee") I would have given 1,000 to 1 odds that Napoleon Dynamite would in some way be affiliated with my essay exam. These odds would have have been lower than several other unlikely items such as bukkake (900 to 1), Barney the purple dinosaur (850 to 1) and my friend Demko (950 to 1).[1] For the first eleven essays things seemed to moving along fairly smoothly. I madly wrote down trivial digressions about landlord/tenant law, secured transactions, commercial paper, and third party impleading when the statute of limitations has run against the original defendant. If you are still awake or even considering attending law school, this was pretty much par for the course. And then out of nowhere comes question twelve, Pedro is on the witness stand and I am representing Uncle Rico in a theft case involving Napolean Dynamite's tater tots.

I'm pretty sure I answered this question correctly, but in the roseate glow of completing the exam, all I could think was, how pissed would you be if you failed the Tennessee Bar Exam because you didn't correctly identify objections on Uncle Rico's behalf? (In some flawed mechanism of logic, not to mention economics, I think this would somehow make me feel better because at least my failure would, in a cosmos somewhere, give a doubly fictional Napoleon some restitution for his stolen tots.) The worst position of all would be to be a fan of the movie, recognize the allusions, and have absolutely no idea what evidence objections to raise. I think if I'd been entirely clueless I might have just continued the fictional narrative by calling and cross-examining Napoleon and Deb. Either that or just have drawn a really good picture of a liger and borrowed the high-liters from one of the two asian women on either side of me, who combined had enough high-liters to provide one for every other test taker. It wouldn't have been the best liger ever drawn, but I'm betting it would have been the only liger ever drawn in response to a bar exam question. And if it wasn't the only liger drawn in response to a bar exam question, it would probably be the best liger ever drawn with perfect high-lites in reponse to a bar exam question. But in light of this question, can there be any question that the movie Napoleon Dynamite has completely embedded itself in all levels of our culture?

In fact, based on this question, I think Supreme Court nominee John Roberts should answer whatever questions the Senate Judiciary Committee asks of him with quotes from the movie. He should also arrive sans suit wearing a "Vote for Pedro" t-shirt.

Senator Orrin Hatch: Mr. Roberts, isn't it true that you are a very diligent lawyer who will work hard to ensure that the law is correctly applied?

John Roberts: I spent like three hours doing shading the upper lip. It's probably the best drawing I've ever done.

Senator Ted Kennedy: Mr. Roberts, how would you respond to Congress's power to regulate interstate commerce particularly in light of the recent step in the direction of federalism enunciated in Lopez?

John Roberts: Whatever I feel like I wanna do. Gosh!

Senator Jeff Sessions: Mr. Roberts what's your view on environmental protection?

John Roberts: I told you! I spent it with my uncle in Alaska hunting wolverines!

Senator John Cornyn: With all the talents you possess, what's the most important thing you've learned?

John Roberts: You know, like nunchuck skills, bowhunting skills, computer hacking skills... Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills.

Senator Charles Schumer: Mr. Edwards, isn't it true you filed a brief before the United States Supreme Court in which you advocated the repeal of Roe v. Wade?

John Roberts: Well, you have a sweet bike. And you're really good at hooking up with chicks. Plus you're like the only guy at school who has a mustache.

Anyway, just my idea. At the very least, the Tennessee Bar would probably admit him.

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1. For those of you troubled by the seeming randomness of these odds, I am the guy who sets the lines for Las Vegas casinos. Just trust me.

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