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How to end the war in Iraq in three steps
8/22/05
by Clay

Americans don't care about anything unless it can kill or maim their kids, involves bare breasts, or threatens to spoil the NFL football season. Rather than bemoan this fact, I think it's time we utilize these factors to solve the biggest problem currently facing our country, the ongoing war in Iraq. As we approach 2,000 deaths and Iraq has become a quagmire steeped in the training of the very terrorists who were not there under Saddam, the time has come to pull the country's attention away from the riveting stories of Natalee Holloway and the runaway bride. As I previously surmised no one benefits more from missing white women than George Bush. In fact whenever he takes a break from riding his bicycle around during his five week summer vacation, Bush probably rushes inside to root for another attractive white girl to be missing. Meanwhile in small towns all over America, the rural poor root for their children to return home when another day's long work has come to an end. In ancient history we were taught the city of Rome burned while Nero fiddled, now the country of Iraq burns while Bush pedals. While Bush swaps heartrate checks in the middle of his bike ride with Lance Armstrong, lots of kids whose daddy's weren't President will worry their hearts might stop.

There's no doubt George Bush has no idea what he's doing in Iraq. Even if he wanted to pull the troops out of Iraq now he'd face opposition from the same hawks whose own children are attending keg parties and waging vigorous wars on par. So I've offered him a simple three step method (this is nine steps less than the President's path to Jesus so he should be able to follow it quite easily) that is 100% guaranteed to end the war in Iraq and return our troops home. Iraq will be in worse condition than it was before, but at least all the hard-working Americans who can't afford to take five week vacations themselves can get some benefit out of Bush's sojourn in Texas.

1. Draft Micheal Vick and send him to Iraq. This is easy enough. The Supreme Court has been very deferential to the President's executive authority. After all as Bush is fond of saying, "We are at war (strained serious look)...a war (pained look)...for liberty (resolved look)." Who represents liberty more than Micheal Vick? Vick isn't constrained to the pocket like so many other quarterbacks. The entire field is his pasture. Plus, he's too quick to be shot.

2. Do away with the USO Tours and instead replace them with the Vivid Video Tours. Even President Bush knows who Jenna Jameson is. Desperate Housewife Laura Bush might have even recently purchased Jameson's book, "How to Make Love Like a Pornstar." Let's be honest soldiers don't want Bob Saget telling them jokes or Nick Lachey singing love ballads with his wife Jessica Simpson. They want totally naked chicks. Preferably totally naked chicks having sex on stage with other women. Or even better a lucky soldier. At the very least, the soldiers want topless chicks. And don't they deserve it? A measley nipple for facing death at every turn seems like the least we could do.

3. Reinstitute the draft. This one is pretty simple. Until every adult male in the entire United States faces the possibility of dying in Iraq nothing is going to happen. Put plainly, Americans don't care about any threat unless it can kill or maim their own children. Poor people die all the time. Look at Africa. If the entire African continent were destroyed tomorrow, Americans wouldn't be as pissed as if their country club was closed for the day.

This is it, President Bush. Three easy steps to end the Iraq invasion and have everyone clamoring to bring back the troops. All you need to do is interfere with the NFL season, bring naked chicks to Iraq, and reinstitute the draft. Those three steps should be pretty cost-effective. Plus you could save money and send Michael Vick over on the same plane with the Vivid girls. I'm sure this would help to assuage his pain. Then you and Lance Armstrong can go on a really long bike ride. Maybe instead of checking your own heartrate you can check each others. Wouldn't that be cool? Otherwise you can just keep pedaling and Iraq can just keep burning.

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