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80's Rockers vs. Modern Rappers
8/25/05
by JT

We've all seen them. The VH1 Behind the Music specials. And we know they are true. They have to be true because the stories are too demented and derisory to be lies. They were stories of real men. Men who dressed like women, which in turn enhanced their desire among the female species lending them the ability to bed more women than the average man could dream of. We all wanted to be them. They lived life fast and hard and did what they wanted when they wanted. Yes, although it seems far-fetched now, there was once a time when rockers ruled the world. A time of loud music, loud make-up and humongous hair. These were far and away the coolest people on the planet. These were the rockers of the 80's and they really knew how to be a celebrity. Since then, rock has changed. Wild, loud, excess was replaced with low key, brooding, depressing excess (see Kurt Cobain). At this time a new era of music gained popularity and slowly but surely wrested the "cool" label from the dying hands of the rock and roll star. These were rappers, and they celebrate their excess as well as any in the past. Huge spinning rims on $100,000 cars, $50,000 chains, pouring bottles of Cristal over groupies perky chest fruits in videos, they have become the modern day 80's rockers. The men that all men want to be, and women want to be with.

But who is the better celebrity? Who has taken their fame and fortune to the highest peaks of debauchery? I've developed a Rocker vs. Rapper breakdown in order to get to the bottom of this quandary. It should be noted that this breakdown has absolutely no scientific backing and very little deep thought applied to it.... that is why it is perfect.

Billy Idol vs DMX-

Both bear a signature growl, have had parts in movies, and are prone to fits of unchecked rage. However, DMX has been known to break into heartfelt prayer to the Lord during cd's while Billy Idol was more prone to pumping his fist while lifting the left side of his upper lip towards the heavens. DMX is also apparently a very loyal husband (although he did have a song entitled "What these Bitches Want From a Ni**a" in which he listed the names of women with whom he has fornicated) while Billy Idol has apparently banged every middle aged white woman who lived in or near a suburb or trailer park, or attended one of his concerts from 1983 on. Although DMX was the better actor, and would easily take Idol in a fistfight, Billy Idol wins this one in a landslide.

WINNER - BILLY IDOL

Ozzy Osbourne vs. Ol' Dirty Bastard-

Both unintelligible, both borderline insane, both clinically deceased. Yet somehow Ozzy's body still walks the planet entertaining us with attempts at everyday life. Now don't get me wrong, Ol' Dirt McGirt is as crazy as a $2 bill, but he doesn't stand a chance against Ozzy from the 80's. This man bit the head off of small winged animals and snorted lines of ants off the pavement. He was banned from Texas for urinating on the Alamo. He once drank 4 bottles of Vodka in a night, then walked up to his wife and told her "we've decided you have to go," then woke up the next morning in a Russian prison. He drank so excessively and gorged himself on so many drugs that he is now a walking cartoon. Although ODB's run as Big Baby Jesus, him calling a female prosecuter during one of his trials a "sperm donor," and the fact that when he overdosed in 2004 an entire plastic bag filled with cocaine was found in his stomach gives ODB a late push, it's still not enough to overtake Ozzy.

WINNER : OZZY OSBOURNE

Motley Crue vs. G-Unit

Jail time, sex videos, shooting things (people in the case of G-Unit, Jack Daniels into his jugular vein in the case of Tommy Lee) this is a true heavyweight battle. All of the G-Unit has spent time in prison and 3 members have been shot. In fact, rapper Young Buck from Nashville stabbed a man on national TV during the Source Awards last year.... yeah. They have run through groupies like Wilt Chamberlain through the Bunny Ranch. They made their own G-Unit porno and have more money than most small countries. They've even had the classic in-group drama necessary to be stars when 50 Cent and The Game started "beef" with each other over the radio resulting in both entourages shooting at each other outside the radio station. All of this is a good start for the up and coming G-Unit, but it pales in comparison to the mighty Motley Crue. No other band in history epitomized the "rock star" stereotype more than the Crue. They were like Mike Tyson in his prime, leaving all in awe of what they were capable. Nikki Sixx was prone to lighting himself on fire during shows. Tommy Lee injected whiskey into his vein to come down from an extended heroin high. They had more women than an Oprah Winfrey audience trying to get in their pants nightly. Even when they "settled down" 3 out of 4 members married Playboy Playmates.... and the 4th, Mick Mars even dated a playmate! And he looks like a mummy on prozac. And I'm not going to even mention the Pamela Anderson sex tape.

WINNER: MOTLEY CRUE

Now that I have thought more about this, it isn't even really a contest. No one can compare to the absolute hell-bent gluttony of the senses and lasciviousness displayed by the 80's Rocker. It's like comparing the Jordan / Magic / Bird era of basketball to other eras. I haven't even scratched the surface of the 80's Rockers yet. What rappers can hang with Def Leppard? They had a topless policy for all women who wanted to achieve backstage status, they brushed their teeth with Jack Daniels, their drummer got so wasted that he wrecked his car into an Irish farm severing his own arm and killing his best friend.... and this was before the success of "Pour Some Sugar on Me." Bad Boy and Puff Daddy? No. And I'm not even counting Rick James since he wasn't truly a rock singer. In fact the only rapper who can stand proud in the company of the 80's rocker is Tupac Shakur. He had women, drugs and alcohol... and even made up his own type of drug enhanced drink named "thugs passion." He was arrested several times, had groupies galore, lived fast and hard.... He had the spirit of the 80's in his soul. He even died on the Vegas Strip.

But as much as rappers try to live it up, they just don't stand a chance. Anything they do has already been done and they would be accused of copycatting their 80's predecessors. Overdoses? Taken care of. Jail sentences? Plentiful. STD's? Tommy Lee gave Pamela Anderson the most famous case of Hepititous C in the history of mankind. Sure rappers have made some money, and I'm as big a fan of Jay-Z, Snoop, The Ying Yang Twinz, and even Young Jeezy as the next young white male. But none of them can even compare... (cue the Sinead O'Conner) "nothing compares... to you" (end the Sinead O'Conner)¹... to the 80's rock stars.

We miss you boys.... come back to us soon

[1] I hate Sinead O'Conner

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