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Imaginary Celebrity Ping-Pong Championships: Update, April 25
4/25/05
by the staff of deadlyhippos.com

Somewhere in his tropical hideaway, Fidel Castro has been counting down the minutes until his victory in the first annual imaginary celebrity ping pong tourney became official. And now he can wipe away the sweat from his wet brow and breathe a sigh of tropically-infused fresh air. He has won by the slimmest of margins 32-30.

Somewhere right now among our readership of approximately ten, JT and TGT are shedding tears and snifling while they face the computer screen. Now is a time for cliches to explain the significance of this event: As in life each day begins anew so in the imaginary celebrity ping pong tourney there will always be another tournament. If you have a favorite celebrity start searching now for their photos lest you learn the lessson that Samurai Jane has already learned, not every celebrity who should be featured has been pictured with paddle in hand.

Now becomes the really tricky part of the tournament, the awarding of the prize. Rather than continue with only ping pong updates, we will be returning to the reguarly scheduled drivel of the board, OC reviews, random ruminations on the color pink, and more maniquette. At some point we may even weigh-in on the current debate raging on our message board about the relative merits of the state of Iowa.

But, after a long hard slog through a bracket challenge that began before the Final Four had been selected and ended after four members of the national champion North Carolina Tar Heels had already declared themselves eligible for the draft, it is not time to crown our champion.

Let us all come together again (as both John Kerry and Al Gore have urged after their own recent defeats) as one family dedicated to the proposition that the absurd, unique, and absurdly unique represent the perfect fodder for a website read by a small but dedicated audience. After all if this website can represent the most seminal knowledge of hippopotamus research wedded to a minute analysis of the OC, can't we all just get along?

So wipe away your tears and bind the raw and festering wounds of a hardfought tournament. Be thee devotees of Keanu, Teri, or George I or the ultimate winner Fidel Castro, if you prick us all do not we all bleed?

Now pause and reflect upon the everlasting glory and renown that shall be Fidel Castro's along with this prize package:

1. A t-shirt emblazoned with the word "Champ"
2. the finest cheeses in the land
3. An autographed picture of David Harrison's written in both English and Spanish. In English, it will say "I know 100 sluts." In Spanish it will say the same but the words will be different.
4. An affidavit from Ethan Pierce stating two things, a. that he can do anything humanly possible and b. it is not humanly possible to ride a swimming llama to either Cuba or England.

Shortly, we shall begin the efforts to contact the victorious Fidel Casto. Tomorrow comes more Maniquette and hopefully a return to the united family we became a house divided. Remember in the immortal words of Abraham Lincoln, "A house divided against itself cannot stand." Nor do we believe can a website.

The case for Castro The case for Charles The case for George Foreman The case for Teri Hatcher The case for Peter Lorre The case for Mr. Ed The case for Vladimir Putin The case for Kerry The case for Keanu