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"Because we have noted an inexplicable dearth of imaginary celebrity ping-pong championships run by websites with limited readerships, we have endeavored to bring you the greatest imaginary championship since the BCS. Who among us doesn't lie awake at night contemplating what might happen when Fidel Castro meets Keanu Reeves or George Foreman takes on Teri Hatcher, or Mr. Ed goes hoof to toe up against a speedo-clad Vladimir Putin? Over the next week the field will be whittled down based upon your votes (and if no one votes then we will quite simply decide ourselves). In the end one of these celebrities will be crowned with the only award they have never sought or aspired to attain. And so the tournament begins with ping pongographies of our contestants."
Imaginary Celebrity Ping-Pong Championships: Update, April 16/The OC
4/16/05
by the staff of deadlyhippos.com
Since approximately four people of late have been questioning what happened to Tardio's OC column, we are posting that along today in conjunction with an update on the ping pong tourney. Keanu Reeves' surprising withdrawal received no commentary from anyone and Prince Charles has surged out to an early lead in the Final Four. This is despite the vocal opinion of TGT (she is the most prominent anti-fan whereas JT is the most prominent fan). This is surprising because they share an initial. Regardless TGT stated:
"Hatcher will win. The Prince must be exhausted. Tired of waiting for his Mother to die. Tired of having to deal with his sons – both of whom have a personality, something the Prince does not have.
Not to mention he is probably exhausted from his honeymoon. I mean, have YOU ever had sex with a Rottweiler?"
In answer to the final question, I believe all members of the deadlyhippos staff have never had the pleasure of sleeping with an actual dog. Of course on many occasions we have accused one another of sleeping with figurative dogs. So I suppose the question becomes has any member of deadlyhippos slept with a figurative Rottweiler and the answer is quite simple, Tardio has.
Lest this seem to mock Tardio and Tardio exclusively, I have slept with the figurative equivalent of a short-haired Pomeranian. And I'm not even sure exactly what a short-haired Pomeranian is either.
Prince Charles currently leads 26-15 which means that each of Teri Hatcher's breasts have only received 7.5 votes.
Now, as promised, we present to you Tardio's new OC column:
The OC: Are the Previews Actually Better than the Show?
4/16/05
by Tardio
Forgive me for coming late with the OC commentary this week, but the OC has become a little drab for me. Don't get me wrong, it's still the best show on television (although Housewives, Gastineau Girls, and Surreal Life are closing the gap fast). I just don't know what has made me less over-the-top about the show this year. It could be this new guy Trey, who always has that look on his face like he just grabbed some girl's ass and is trying to play it off. It could be Atwood, who has been acting about as manly as a West Hollywood hairdresser this season. And, I guess it could be this whole overblown lesbian stuff with Marissa. One episode she's tongue-wrestling with a smoking blonde, then two episodes later the blonde is off the show with no explanation (they could have at least had her killed in some lesbo-love-triangle-gone-bad, how long does that take, five minutes?) and Marissa and Atwood are necking in the fake-Peach Pit. Come on.
The OC is becoming dangerously close to one of those shows where the previews for next week are about 1.8 million times better than next week's show. The previews come on and show a fight, lesbian make-outs, shootings, stabbings, fires, and car accidents, and then when you watch the actual episode you swear none of that stuff happens. ER got to be like that. In the previews, s*** is blowing up, but then when the actual episode comes, you wonder what the hell happened to the cool stuff in the previews.
Regardless, I'll be watching intently the remaining Thursdays this season, waiting to see if Atwood regains his penis, or if Marissa tongues a girl, or if Kirsten actually cheats on Sandy with the bearded editor/comic book guru (come on, get it over with...the forced sexual tension between Beard and Kirsten is excruciating).
On another note, did anyone see Law & Order on Wednesday? So, I'm watching it, half asleep, with a pretty good episode going, and all of the sudden, out of nowhere, some sap jumps out from behind a car and caps Detective Green. Now, it's not everyday that the main character on the show gets capped with no forewarning. Was I the only loyal watcher of this show that didn't know this was coming? Can you imagine if all of the sudden during the heyday of Friends, Ross jumped from behind a door and bludgeoned Joey to death? And then, they tell us that the storyline (will Detective Green live or die?) will be continued Friday night in L&O: Trial by Jury. So, I've not only been shocked by the Detective Green capping, I've got to tune into Trial by Jury on a Friday night to watch Frasier's ex-wife from Cheers try to solve the case. Thank God for Tivo.
And voting continues for the second round match between 6 seed Teri Hatcher and 2 seed Prince Charles. Check out their pingpongographies below, and vote now. The winner will be decided tomorrow.
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