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"Because we have noted an inexplicable dearth of imaginary celebrity ping-pong championships run by websites with limited readerships, we have endeavored to bring you the greatest imaginary championship since the BCS. Who among us doesn't lie awake at night contemplating what might happen when Fidel Castro meets Keanu Reeves or George Foreman takes on Teri Hatcher, or Mr. Ed goes hoof to toe up against a speedo-clad Vladimir Putin? Over the next week the field will be whittled down based upon your votes (and if no one votes then we will quite simply decide ourselves). In the end one of these celebrities will be crowned with the only award they have never sought or aspired to attain. And so the tournament begins with ping pongographies of our contestants."
Imaginary Celebrity Ping-Pong Championships: Foreman Wins;
Reeves Forfeits!
4/14/05
by the staff of deadlyhippos.com
First, in a
shocking turn of events, Keanu Reeves has forfeitted his match today against
Fidel Castro, citing Matrix-related problems.
Deadlyhippos.com was unable to reach Reeves directly, but in a statement issued inexplicably by Cameron Diaz, fiance of future has-been Justin Timberlake, Reeves said, "Unfortunately there are no computers in Cuba. No computers means no Matrix. No Matrix means no Keanu. I use hair products."
Diaz also released a photo of her comforting Reeves in what she is calling "his darkest moment." It looks as if Reeves is suffering from symptoms of Matrix Syndrome, an imaginary affliction related to a sudden loss of Matrix powers upon reentry into the real world. This is similar to both Boxofficeletdown, from which Reeves has suffered in the past, and the Bends, which claimed the life of the huge talking dolphin that costarred with Reeves in Johnny Mnemonic.
We'll have more for you as this story devlops.
In other news, George Foreman built up a steady offense and defeated Russian leader Vladimir Putin yesterday, 33-22. This sets up a second round match between Foreman and the 1 seed, Fidel Castro.
Though Castro is expected to dominate the tournament, one analyst on the ground in Cuba have said that watching Foreman practice "is like standing next to a tornado--it's hard not to get sucked in." Foreman does have a history of performing well against world leaders, having just beaten Vladimir Putin, and of course there was his memorable upset over former Mexican President Ernesto Zedillo three years ago in the quarterfinal round. But his detractors are quick to bring up the fact that Foreman came off of this big win and basically handed the next game to Launchpad, the beefy cartoon duck and pilot from Duck Tales, Darkwing Duck, and Tale Spin.
Foreman is said to be practicing day and night and could not be reached for comment.
Today we begin the second round match between 6 seed Teri Hatcher and 2 seed Prince Charles. Check out their pingpongographies below, and vote now! The winner will be decided tomorrow.
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