The two most unrelated and random things happened to me the other
day. First let me start off by saying that France has a TV selection
of the most random shows/movies ever created. And as a result their
favorite actors are Jeff Bridges, Wesley Snipes, and of course Girard
Depardieu. I'm not going to Google his name to see if I spelled
it correctly because I don't care. Secondly, I am cheap. Cheap as
a Bulgarian whore on the rag (eyes slitted, slowly pumping fist
like Tiger Woods... it's great to be able to sick out people in
this day and age). This is because no matter what product I use,
I always buy store brand. Even in other countries. Because I always
had store brand growing up and let's face it people: it's the same
thing. Every product except deodorant that is. I never Jew up on
the Deo 'cause I gots to avoid the B.O. Never.
Until the other day.
I bought the store brand version of "Dove Aerosol Spray Deodorant",
which smells like "A Can Full of Dove Shit Mixed With Vomit".
Still I don't know why I bought it. I even bought TWO cans, one
for home and one for my locker. So after practice I shower, and
spray it on for the first time. For some reason, it was cold as
a witch's tit. So I compared it to the empty real Dove spray I had
and noticed the Brand X deo was roughly 2376 times higher in alcohol
and fragrance content. So I thought great, my pits are drunk and
I smell like a redneck. But still, I threw some cologne on (also
store brand coincedentally) and the two mixed together smelled so
weird they actually smelled good. You know like the kind of those
shaky incidents that turn out being OK eventually, like Columbus
discovering America (except for the Indians, sorry dudes!) or the
integration of college sports (bummer, sorry white athletes!). Anyways,
I get home turn on the TV and guess what movie is on? Tron. Fucking
Tron man. The French mania of Jeff Bridges knows no end.
Fucking Tron was on.
I remember watching this movie first when I was 17, then again
in college like at 21. Both times I was pretty far from sober albeit
from different reasons. This is the first, and last time, I will
ever see it sober. I will stare at the sun for an hour before I
do this again. Because that is what watching the movie is like.
The lights, sheer weirdness, and Jeff Bridges, pre-Lebowski was
way too much for me to take. Entirely. This leads me to another
thing that bothers me about French TV. I have seen about all of
JB's movies on TV here except The Big Lebowski. What are they waiting
for? How is this not the one on constant repeat? But whatever. Anyways,
I'm about one more 80's animated special effect/ laser tag scene
away from breaking out into a violent seizure when I realized I'm
sweating like a priest at a Little League game. Too many senses
hit me at once. I lift up my arms to find that my drunken redneck
pits have vomited all over my T-Shirt, turning the pits yellow.
Not "White T-Shirt That Has Been Worn For Many Years Yellow
And It's Time To Throw It Away" Yellow. But "Dehydrated
And Hammered Airport Piss" Yellow. And the T-Shirt was new.
I actually thought I had either bought a yellow can of graffiti
paint by accident or I had the worst ever recorded case of jaundice.
This is what watching Tron sober does to a person. You definitely
don't want to be 'shrooming and living more than 2 stories off the
ground while watching this thing, but a light buzz is definitely
a requirement. And apparently name brand deodorant. So needless
to say I will never buy store brand deo again, nor will I willingly
watch Tron sober. Because Tron will always win....
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