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Devean George: Dallas's new favorite son
02/14/08
by JT
I get a shitload of spam mail. It is absolutely retarded how much
spam I get. I’ve had the same yahoo email address for probably about
8 years now, and I would guess that I get 200 spam emails per day.
I get all the regulars.... the banished Nigerian prince who needs
to launder money into America in order to return to his rightful
place on the throne .... the wife of a deceased Iranian oil baron
who needs to launder money into the US to claim her inheritance....
penis enlarger pills, boner pills, free stuff I've won, girls in
my area who are looking to fuck.... I've seen them all. But one
in particular always creeps me out.
Airline ticket confirmation emails from the future.
Now, I've seen plenty of science fiction movies, I've read plenty
of books and seen other movies covering all of the wondrous, hilarious,
and disastrous effects of time travel. As a result of these I know
important things from the likes of nobel prize winner "Doc"
Brown (i'd have to assume he won a Nobel Prize for inventing a time
traveling Delorian, or at least for inventing the flux capacitor)
such as, meeting your past or future self could completely disrupt
the space/time continuem. Or that if you should run into your mom
in the past you shouldn't let her see you in your whitey tighties,
Because then she will fall for you instead of your dad and your
entire existence will end.
But I learned some other things from movies as well that leave
the lines a little bit blurred. For example, I learned from Terminator
1 and 2 that if a robot from the future is sent back in time to
kill your mom, but then it is thwarted with the assistance of a
man who travels back in time to knock up your mom, become your dad,
then later be your best friend since he is the same age as you in
the future... meaning your best friend who is the same age as you
is also your dad....but then he dies when he is in the past, so
then maybe he isn't your best friend in the future anymore.... umm...
(my head is starting to hurt)
.... and then later another robot (who looks exactly the same as
the first future robot only older) comes back in time to save you
from an advanced series robot who is trying to kill you. Only after
this robot succeeds in saving you from the more advanced robot,
he destroys all the evidence that would later lead to the technology
that created the future robots and the ability for time travel.
Which means your time
traveling dad will not be able to travel back in time to impregnate
your mom. Which means you should spontaneously combust or something
like that….
Wait a minute.....I just solved the mystery of spontaneous combustion!
But as you can see, time travel leaves quite a huge gray area.
So yesterday I recieved an email dated January 5th, 2038 that was
entitled "Airline Reservation". Upon opening the email
I found only this cryptic message "click here to confirm your
Southwest Airlines reservation" followed by a link that I dared
not
click.
My mind raced.
Who is this future message from?
Did my future self send it to my current self knowing I had to be
somewhere that I don't yet know about?
Perhaps I'm needed to thwart a terrorist attack on domestic soil.
Or even worse, a monster attack on a major city.
No doubt my skills in martial arts will have grown tremendously
in 30 years time, and I very well may be the only person alive capable
of stopping such menace. (It should be noted that my current fighting
skill level includes the kick to the nutsac and the open handed
slap).
Maybe my future self sent me the email in order to get me out of
a hairy situation. Maybe the city I will be living in will be struck
by an outer space lazer, and my seed will be needed to reproduce
the world population with it's finest specimen.
Maybe my future self sent me the ticket to help me flee the country
for some yet untold crime I will commit. Something awesome like
robbing Ft. Knox, stealing the statue of FDR's dog, bedding the
President's wife, or stealing some nachos while wasted (most likely
of the choices).
But then I realized, it couldn't be my future self sending me the
tickets. Because my future self would undoubtedly know how unbelievably
forgetful I am, and realize that there is no possible way I would
remember that I had to be on a plane in a little less than thirty
years. I can't even remember what I'm doing this Saturday....
So who sent it then?
An enemy?
Very likely.
When you grow as powerful as I will probably be in thirty years,
you're bound to have a few mortal foes attempting to take what's
yours.
I bet I'll be a steel baron... I'll even wear a monacle and grow
a fantastic moustache.
So I guess I still don't know what's going to happen on January
5th, 2038. But I know it scares the shit out of me. There is no
way I'm clicking on that ticket confirmation.
I'm assuming that this means I will still be alive on January 5th,
2038. That's not something I've planned for.
I always figured I'd be dead by forty, from something awesome like
"attempting to break the water speed record on an innertube"
or "Liver failure".
I've already got my headstone all ready to go:
"Here lies JT, the world's most desirable man and holder of
the highest verticle leap in recorded history.
JT died while heroically saving his family, every single UN deligate,
and several Penthouse Pets from a flaming cruise ship set to explode
by Iranian terrorists. He managed to do all of this while barbecuing
a rack of babyback ribs to perfection. All
who tried it claimed it to be the most delicious food ever created.
May he rest in peace."
.....
It should be noted that shortly before performing this miracle,
I got a blowjob from the daughter of Giselle Bunchen and Tom Brady,
whom I will presume will be the hottest woman in the history of
Earth by the year 2038.
Or maybe it's just a wacky trick by spammers to make sure their
scam will be at the top of my inbox. I love you crazy spammers!
You fill up my inbox and make me feel like I have friends!
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