Shaw's Guide to Violating the Rules of Man: The Book 02/18/08 by Shaw
In the past few months since Maniquette
saw print, and Man: The
Book was on the verge of publication, (umm, it's OUT NOW,
in case you didn't know), I've taken a lot of flak - both personally,
and through the site - for openly and flagrantly violating many
of the rules contained in the book. My usual answer in the case
of a specific rule being quoted at is to say, "I didn't write
that one. It was JT's." (I always blame the egregious ones
on JT... I think it's because when my mom first started reading
the site, her main comment was, "I like your columns, but JT's
are so offensive!" Oddly enough, I think JT's mom says the
same thing.) But recently I have come to realize that's a total
cop-out. My name is on the book, so legitimately, I can be held
responsible and made fun of for violating any of them. But that
doesn't mean I am going to pick up my cat and "punt it across
the yard like Reggie Roby."1 Nor
does that mean that I am going to stop watching Rachael Ray.2
In fact, I am willing to bet that many of you violate these rules
on a regular basis, and aren't ready for a full lifestyle change
quite yet. Maybe you even fear buying the book for the shame it
will bring you when you realize how little of a man you are upon
reading it.
Well. Don't worry, Shaw's got you covered. I can't excuse you from
the rules entirely, but I have taken some of the cornerstone tenets
of Man: The Book, and come up with workarounds to make
it almost okay to violate them. And so, I present the answers to
these frequently asked questions:
Shaw's Guide to Violating the Rules of Man: The Book
Q: I have a cat, and I love her, but I also have a girlfriend,
and I don't want her to leave me because having a cat makes me unmanly.
How can I compromise, without replacing my Flufferina with a pitbull?
A: This is a good question. If you own a cat, of course you are
violating Man: The Book rule 443: "Unless it is a
caged wild tiger of some kind, you may never own a cat...."
But there are a few ways to manify your cat. First, let's
start with the name. Flufferina is not a good choice, not for a
boy cat, not for a girl cat. In fact, let's just go ahead and say
your cat is male no matter what, and then give it a male name. If
any of your friends come over and announce that your she
is masquerading as a he, that person clearly just checked
your car for balls, and thus may be safely ostracized. So - manly
name. For instance, I have two cats, one of which is a boy cat named
Sue. It doesn't get much more manly than that.
Of course, Man: The Book also recommends that you dress
your cat in a football helmet at every possible opportunity. If
you do not have a football helmet, keep rigorous stats on your cat's
jumping height, running speed, and reaction time. A good measure
of these can be obtained through feather-on-a-stick play. Then,
whenever your cat comes up in conversation, make sure the next thing
that you mention is how much higher he can jump proportionately
than your friend's dog.
Does all this mean that you can't spend quality time reading with
your cat lazily purring on your lap, or petting him as you fall
asleep? Of course not. Just make sure that's not what you brag about.
Q: I don't know my forty-time. How can I truly measure myself
against the new crop of NFL combine participants?
A: This is a tough one, and it affects a lot of us. The question,
of course, refers to Rule 630: "Every man should know his forty-time
to within .1 seconds." But here's the problem: knowing your
forty-yard dash time is actually a real production. First of all,
you will definitely want to be able to practice first: you want
your "ideal" forty-time. So it takes a few weeks of training.
Then, there's taking into account the different surfaces that you
can run on, and the timing method (man or machine?) These issues
are dealt with at length in Clay's
recent column on CBS. In short, you need to go to a specialty
training facility to find out your real time, and most people just
aren't going to do that.
So, you have two options if you don't know your real forty-time.
First, you could guess-timate. You watch football on TV, you know
Terrell Owens ran a 4.36, and you're a little slower then he is
- so you must run it in 4.5 or 4.6! The problem with this is that
someone could call bullshit and make you prove it, and then you'll
end up spending the night in jail covered in your own puke after
you get caught hopping the fence to your local high school track,
drunk, in the middle of the night, with a stopwatch. The worst part
about it? You'll run a 6.0 on your best try. So if you don't want
to guess at your 40-time, just be honest: "I don't know, I
haven't run in a while; I would need to train some before I could
get below 5." Cocksure, yes, but still not a statement that
could be easily proven false. Plus, this actually has an advantage
over knowing your real 40-time - after all, Clay really did get
his professionally timed, and it's 5.68... and now he has to tell
everyone.
Q: I am a straight guy, but I really like Brad Pitt, and I
think he's really hot. I get kind of tingly when he's on TV. How
can I still be manly about it?
A: Actually, you're in luck here. This doesn't violate any of the
rules at all! The pertinent text, from Rule 464: "A man is
allowed one nonsexual crush at a time on a man he does not know.
He is allowed no nonsexual crush on any man he actually knows."
So, as long as you don't actually know Brad Pitt, go ahead and crush
away. Nonsexually,
of course.
Q: I have never peed outside in public before - does this make
me a pussy?
A: Do me and yourself a favor. Stand up, walk outside, unzip, take
your dick out, piss on the street, and then come back in and read
the rest of this column. This is one rule I don't quibble with.
(Rule 874: "Not having openly peed in a public place, in blatant
and purposeful disregard of the law, is the equivalent of not having
reached puberty.") You are never too old to be so drunk that
you can't make it all the way home or to the next bar without having
to piss on the street. We clear?
Q: I... I'm gay. I like men, I... like sex with men. I am just
not going to be able to follow all the rules in the book.
A: It is a common misconception that this book is homophobic or
intended to belittle gay people. First of all, the average reader
of the book is a straight male. Hence, the "you" referred
to in the book is meant to be "you, a straight male."
Obviously, the rules need to be modified a little bit to fit the
gay lifestyle. The point is, of course, a gay man can still
be a man. In fact, in many cases, gay men are to admired
for their sheer sexual voracity - I don't know too many straight
guys who have been in a threesome at all... at the same time, I
don't know any gay men who haven't been in a threesome.
For instance, Rule 516 says, "No matter how much you wonder
about how tall you would be in high heels, a man may never try them
on." In the gay world, this could translate to: "No matter
how much you wonder about how tall you would be in high heels, a
gay man may only try them on if he's a bottom using them as bait
to get laid by that bear or musclebound hulk over there.
And Rule 420 says, "If a man has neither an XBox nor a Playstation,
feel free to call his heterosexuality into question." This
could be modified to read: "If a gay man has either an XBox
or a Playstation, feel free to call his homosexuality into question."
Feel free to adjust other rules appropriately.
Q: I like wearing camouflage, but Man: The Book Rule 377 says
I can't wear it unless I'm hunting or playing paintball.
A: What? It says that in there??? OK, fuck that. I didn't write
that one.
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1. Man: The Book, Rule 549 (p. 96) 2. Man: The Book, Rule 345 (p. 65)
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