I was looking for something to watch the other day that would keep
my mind off the Darrell Scott announcement on Wednesday. (Darrell
Scott is the #1 ranked RB in High School right now, and was choosing
between my beloved CU Buffs and UT #1 on Wednesday on national TV...
he made the right decision.) I don't usually go into message boards,
but I've found myself there literally every 17 seconds for the past
48 hours to see if there is any new tidbit of info about him. It's
a serious problem. My usual remedy of scotch, Jack and Coke, then
more scotch doesn't seem to be working. So I tried looking for a
movie to keep me busy. I settled on Bull Durham. It was on AMC though,
so it was the bullshit version where they cut out every shit and
fuck in the movie, thus rendering it about as entertaining as a
Sarah Jessica Parker flick. But I hadn't seen it for a while so
I stuck with it. Then I saw Tim Robbins attempting to resemble a
professional athlete.... and I was hooked. I had forgot how absolutely
ass-awful Tim Robbins is at baseball. And not only is he supposed
to be an up and coming pro ball player, but he is also supposed
to be able to bring it at nearly 100 mph. Right.... Because if anyone
in Hollywood screams power pitcher, it's Tim Robbins.
Then I thought to myself.... Is Tim Robbins the worst ever athlete
in a sports movie?
I'm not sure. Let's have a look at the nominees: - Sinbad, for
"Necessary Roughness"- I remember when this movie came
out when I was a kid the theater was so packed that my boys and
I had to split up. I ended up sitting in the very front row of the
theater, in the farthest seat down on the right hand side. So I
was right up in the action! I swear this movie was a hit when it
came out. Don't believe me?
Well it was #2 in the box office in it's opening weekend. This
once again proves that if a movie studio puts enough hype and money
into it, they could release a movie that was simply a naked ass
on screen, farting for 90 minutes, and it would end up in the top
5.
I don't even remember much about the actual play in this movie
outside of the fact that it was terrible. Maybe it wasn't Sinbad...
but he was the only person I could think of that was in the movie.
- Leonardo DiCaprio, for "Basketball Diaries"-
For those of you who remember Basketball Diaries, it was in the
pre-Titanic / post What's Eating Gilbert Grapes days of Leonardo
DiCaprio. Which is to say that size-wise, he was somewhere between
a 5'8" non-athletic version of Kevin Durant and a 17 year old,
nearly anorexic retard. And this man was supposed to be one of the
top high school basketball players in America. His size wasn't the
only thing making this unrealistic... his complete lack of ability
to shoot, dribble, pass, catch, or run down the court also contributed.
Also, a young Marky Mark was on his team and was supposed to be
an All-American power forward... all 5'3" of him. But this
was the
"Good Vibrations" Marky Mark, so he was all muscle-bound
and fueled by roid rage.
- The dude in that volleyball movie, for "Sideout"
Upon further investigation, that dudes name is C. Thomas Howell.
He did a lot of movies back in the 80's and early 90's like "Soul
Man" and "Red Dawn". I grew up in a volleyball family,
my mom was a coach for a long time, my sisters both played, I used
to play doubles on Manhattan Beach when my dad lived out there....
so I feel I can say with the upmost of confidence that C. Thomas
Howell sucks turbo cock at volleyball. It doesn't help that you
are completely awful at something, and then they stick you in a
movie with all of the top pro-players of the era and you are supposed
to be better than them. Plus the final dramatic play in the movie
that wins the big tournament is completely and totally illegal.
It would be like ending a basketball movie with a player jumping
to shoot a three, then landing, then sprinting to the basket without
dribbling, then kicking the final defender in the shins and testes,
then using a trampoline to dunk the ball..... well, maybe not that
bad. But it was pretty damn illegal.
- Matt Damon, for "School Ties" -
It's hard to tell how bad Damon sucks in this. After-all, it was
set in the 1950's when players still wore leather helmets, teams
hadn't yet really mastered the tricky "forward pass",
and people hated Jews (aaaah... the Golden Era). So maybe he was
just a very good actor, who is an exceptional athlete whom was pretending
to be crappy at football because it was the 1950's. I mean, he was
rockin' as shit in Bourne.... No. He just sucks at football. But
I still love Matt Damon for exactly two reasons.... this....
and this.
- Anthony Michael Hall, for "Johnny Be Good"-
I think the first line in the plot summary on IMDB pretty much sums
this up:
"It's recruiting time and despite being short and scrawny,
Johnny Walker is America's hottest young football prospect."
At least he gave us the "I think I broke my dick, coach!"
line.
-Kevin Bacon, "The Air Up There"-
In this movie Bacon is a college basketball coach and a former
all-american before the ol' knees went bad. That clever add-in helped
explain how an all-american basketball player could be completely
and totally un-athletic. What it didn't cover was why a former all-american
basketball player couldn't dribble with his left hand. In fact,
I credit the play in this movie for me being able to play basketball
in the Big 12 in college. I saw this movie in the theater and thought
to myself, "if that's what they play like in D1, I am going
to DOMINATE!!" Then I high fived myself and jogged out of the
theater.
- Shawn Bradley, "Space Jam" -
You can't cast a guy in a basketball movie just because he's tall.
If he can't play worth a shit it still won't look realistic!
Aahh..... Shawn Bradley.... you are missed.
- James Van Der Beek, for "Varsity Blues"-
I know that in Clay's universe the all-time greatest QB's in history
are as follows:
1.) Peyton Manning
2.) Eli Manning
3.) Johhny "Mox" Moxon
4.) Joe Montana
5.) John Elway
6.) Heath Shuler
But come on.... Mox sucked in the movie. He got beat out by Paul
Walker for the starting job.... He reads novelson the sideline....
NOVELS!!...He's always trying to run the "ooptie oop".
By the way, how did they all get into a strip club and get served
alcohol anyway? And how did Tweeter not get in trouble for stealing
a police car?
- Michael J Fox , "Teen Wolf" - It's difficult to describe
just how terrible Michael J. Fox is at basketball. In fact, I don't
think a regular human could duplicate the sheer sucktitude that
he displays in this movie. It is impossible to pretend to be this
horrible at something... either you've got it, or you don't.
You know what? Now that I think about it, every single person in
this movie was just as bad as MJf. I think I'm just going to end
this little competition right now and declare the winner.......
And the winner is.......
The entire cast of "Teen Wolf"
Enjoy...
Keaunu Reeves in the Replacements I think there's some potential
for the future of this list too. With George Clooney's football
movie and Will Farrell's basketball movie coming out soon, we should
see some really crappy athletics on the big screen over the next
few months.
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