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Checking the 2008 Presidential Race
(Hippo-style)
02/01/08
by Stretch
Editor's Disclaimer: Due to a rush in taking care of MAN:
THE BOOK-related concerns, this column is going up a bit later
than intended; as such, any anachronistic references to heretofore
obsolete presidential candidates is an unfortunate mistake on our
part.
A few months ago, I wrote a handicap of the presidential race,
ultimately settling on John McCain as the favorite (using the innovative
F-You Correlation). This was groundbreaking at the time, since when
the column dropped, McCain was not even considered the favorite
in his own party. Well, after an approximate 37-month website absence
(which will be explained in a future installment of HippoGeddon),
it’s time to check on the candidates. In the words of the immortal
George Washington,
Here comes the giraffe.
The candidates will be mocked roundly, if possible, and then evaluated
based on 2 criteria:
1) What is their suspected favorite NBA team, and
2) What are their thoughts about Daisy Duke? Catherine or Jessica?
Democrats
Such delicious choices! Who to take? The metrosexual gnome, the
robotic fempuppet, or the chain smoking YMCA baller?
John Edwards
Talk about a bad time to be a white male. This guy is faced with
the task of chasing down the nomination at the same time as a female
and a minority*. The Democratic nomination, no less. Apparently
Obama has offered to appoint Edwards as Attorney General if he will
throw his support behind Obama and not Clinton. So there’s that.
Suspected Favorite NBA team: Can not specify at this time. Is currently
suing the San Antonio Spurs for their dominance and wants to disperse
the revenue to the Knicks, Sonics, and Timberwolves in an attempt
to “even the playing field.”
Suspected Thoughts about Daisy Duke: Likes Jessica better, for
her complexion and that beautiful bounce to her hair…Needs to find
out who her stylist is…
“Barry” Obama
Endorsed by DJ and JT
*I’m sorry, but as a downtrodden Caucasian, I feel as though it
is my right to claim this man. You, sir, are half white! I demand
you return to your roots! Speak to me of mayonnaise! Do not deny
your man-crush for Sidney Crosby! Let me hear you sing the first
verse of “Don’t Stop Believing!”
Suspected Favorite NBA Team: Chicago. Wears a pair of replica Jordan
practice jersey shorts under his slacks during the debates for good
luck. Likes to psych himself out on the campaign trail by pretending
he is Michael and humming “If I could be like Mike” under his breath.
Tries to replicate Jordan’s game when he plays at the upscale YMCA
with the guys, but his tendency to rely on threes has earned him
the nickname “Hodges.” Hates this.
Suspected Thoughts about Daisy Duke: Really, really likes Jessica.
Feels guilty about this. Goes on Oprah and cries. Still likes Jessica.
Hillary Clinton
If this were a “Freak Stretch The Hell Out” race, she would be
winning by leaps and bounds. Why does this woman and her unblinking
zombie peepers terrify me? There are two people in this race who
seem like they want the nomination in an unhealthy, obsessive kind
of way: Hilly and Romney. If either one of them doesn’t become President,
I think they might self-combust. It would make an entertaining duel
if they both got their respective nominations. Oh wait. My bad.
It would kind of suck.
Suspected Favorite NBA Team: Wants you to know she has always been
an NBA fan, and highly respects the skill and poise it takes to
compete at such a high level. Wants you to know that she has always
been a tough, independent New York woman, and as such her favorite
NBA team is the Yankees.
Suspected Thoughts About Daisy Duke: Feels highly offended. Feels
as though Daisy Duke represents something sexist. Buries these feelings
down deep next to that whole Lewinsky thing and puts on her campaign
face. States she favors Catherine Bach, for no other reason than
Obama favors Jessica.
Republicans
What a crowd! You mean I can only pick one?
My boss and I were talking the other day at lunch about which Republican
would win if one of the debates degenerated into an all-out brawl.
He said Romney, which makes sense I suppose. He’s got the right
mixture of relative youth (read: under 85) and stature. McCain is
too old to last in a slug out, and Ron Paul is too small. I imagine
Guiliani coming forward like a rabid spider monkey, swinging his
fists in pent up fury. But Romney has that uncanny square-shaped
face, which would allow him to take a disproportionate number of
blows to the head with no ill effect. Personally, I think Huckabee
would win in a GOP fisticuffs, because the guy runs marathons and
would be the last one to start wheezing like a tea kettle. But all
this hinges on McCain, old or not, and whether or not he has a flashback
like Stallone in the police station in First Blood. If he does,
then no one gets out alive. Not even Brit Hume.
Random note on McCain: Isn’t this dude’s wife about 100x hotter
than someone with the title “John McCain’s wife” should be? Well
done, J-Mac.
Back to Romney. I read a NYT article that basically stated everyone
in the Republican field hates this guy. It was actually kind of
sad when it described the debate where everyone shook hands and
no one would stand next to Roms. I felt sorry for the guy. But then
I watch him for more than ten minutes and I get over it. Seriously,
Roms, you’re going to ask your lawyer if you can invade Iran?
Anyway, on to the candidates:
Romney
Suspected Favorite NBA Team: Are you kidding? The Jazz! But, wait,
he’s a HUGE fan of Lebron James…AND Kobe, too…unless you don’t want
him to be…in that case he doesn’t like Kobe at all. Or Lebron. Either
way. It’s cool.
Suspected Thoughts About Daisy Duke: Has old poster of Catherine
Bach. Has no idea who Jessica Simpson is. Still, in effort to appear
cool, states that Jessica is the best Daisy Duke ever.
Guiliani
(Ehhh…)
Suspected Favorite NBA Team: Knicks, baby!
Suspected Thoughts About Daisy Duke: Would like the chance to try
them both out, and will divorce whichever one he finds to be least
likable.
Ron
Paul
Endorsed by Stretch
Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2008 Ralph Nader. Paul actually holds
a fair amount of power in this thing. Consider it his “nuclear option”,
if you will. Paul’s legions of fanboys and fundamentalists would
follow him off a cliff if he beckoned them to. Google “Ron Paul”
if you don’t believe me. Now consider that you’re Ronnie for a moment.
You’re sitting at home on Super Tuesday, watching one of the frontrunners
wrap up the Republican nomination. You pick up the phone. You dial
the winner. “Hello.” You say. “I’m going to be your Vice President.”
“No you’re not.” Comes the reply.
“Oh.” You say. “Then I’ll see you on the campaign trail. As an Independent.”
You hang up.
Given the fractitious nature of the GOP and the ferventness and
dissatisfaction of Paul’s army of supporters, wouldn’t that be a
death sentence to the front runner? Are you sure that any of the
other candidates wouldn’t hit redial and sew up Paul’s remnant of
voters and uncanny fundraising prowess?
Whoa, enough rambling.
But one more thing. Watching RoPaul go 1-on-everyone at the South
Carolina debate was like watching The Big Show take on the entire
N.W.O. on that one WCW where he supposedly “broke” his neck. Spirited.
My favorite part was when his one-man jambalaya of constitutionalism
spilled off the podium and engulfed the catty Fox News reporter
who tried to slip in a passive-aggressive jab against his electability.
It started slow and quickly grew into a two-minute long pimp slap
that Fox eventually censored out of the rebroadcast.
Suspected Favorite NBA Team: Has no idea what you’re talking about.
We can’t afford such a thing! It’s not in the Constitution!
Suspected Thoughts About Daisy Duke: Once again deviates from all
known parameters, and states that April Scott from the direct-to-video
Hazzard movie is the best.
McCain
The only Republican that can compare with Paul in the vital area
of testicular density. My thoughts on McCain are pretty simple:
I think anyone who takes daily beatings in a P.O.W. camp while in
the service of his country should be awarded the Presidency as restitution.
Suspected Favorite NBA Team: Offers support to Phoenix and says
all the right things, but deep down inside is a rabid 76ers fan.
Hates the Celtics with a passion. Hates the Lakers with a passion.
Resents Bill Walton and the city of Portland to this day for stealing
the 1977 title.
Suspected Thoughts About Daisy Duke: Favors Catherine Bach. That
way, he doesn’t feel like a dirty old man.
Huckabee
To me, The MotherHucker seems destined to be picked as a VP, either
to Romney or McCain. Romney needs him to ease the fears of the millions
of GOP voters who know nothing about Mormonism. McCain needs him
because, frankly, he’s very old and could die at any moment.
And, actually, Huck isn’t a bad choice. He doesn’t have very much
experience, but he has charisma and an oddly effective sense of
humor. He’s like the anti-Cheney. Plus, he used to be really fat,
and you can’t put a price on that.
Suspected Favorite NBA Team: States that he is a huge Flint Tropics
fan, a shout-out to the new Will Ferrell movie. As a by-product
of his “fat years”, has developed a dependence for pop culture as
a way to enhance his personality and still feel attractive.
Suspected Thoughts About Daisy Duke: Passionately makes the case
for Catherine Bach and drops a few deadpanned one-liners about Jessica
and Tony Romo.
There you have it, Hippo Readers. This is not the last word, of
course, and we will bring you an update as things progress.
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